Ways to Handle the Chaos of Military Schedules

By Jacqueline Bodnar

Chaotic schedules can be hectic and stressful for families. But for military families it is even more so. Not knowing when Mom or Dad will be deployed, or for how long, can create a lot of turmoil in the home before, during and even after the tour of duty. This comes as a surprise to many who are not aware of the potential impact when they first enter the military or marry someone who is enlisted.  That’s exactly what happened to Amie Hodgin, who is currently living at Fort Lewis, Wash., with her two sons and her husband, who is in the Army.

“When I first became an Army wife, I didn’t really give much thought to his schedule,” she explains. “But shortly after arriving at our first duty station, I got a big wake up call. There were days when he’d be up and gone at 3:30 a.m. and not be home until 11 or 12 that night. I hated it. There we were, at a wonderful new place, with all that unpacking to be done, and he was working 12 or more hours a day.”

For Hodgin, that never really changed, and she often felt like he was never home. What did change is how they dealt with the situation; they have learned to accept it for what it is. While at first she wouldn’t take the kids anywhere because Daddy wasn’t with them, she soon realized that doing this was not the best route for her family to take.

“I’ve learned that, no matter what the plans are, whether Dad is home or not, we’re going through with our plans. I think that would be my biggest piece of advice to a new Army wife,” adds Hodgin. “If you have plans and he isn’t able to get off work and go, go alone and have fun. If military wives put their lives on hold, waiting, they’ll be waiting for a long time.”

Ways to Help Make It Easier
Since duty is unpredictable, it can take a toll on any family, especially those that are new to the military and not sure what to expect or how to cope with what comes down the pike. Whether the service member is headed off for temporary duty (TAD) for a few weeks or months, or going through ‘workups’ in preparation for deployment, there are things you can do to try to make the transition smoother for your family.

• Have a plan. Knowing that schedules can change at a moment’s notice makes having a back-up plan in place essential. Hold a family meeting when everyone is home and discuss what happens when Mom or Dad has to leave for duty. Keep a list of emergency contacts and people that can be called on for help. For example, you may need to have back-up plans for who will pick the kids up from school, or do other such daily or weekly duties. Having this in place will keep you from suddenly having to figure out who can take the kids to dance class on Tuesday, or whatever the case may be. When it’s needed, the back-up plan can simply be put into action.
   
• Get support.  Don’t be afraid to seek out help or support. Part of having a back-up plan is knowing your neighbors and getting involved with other military wives so you can share any emergency duties. Joining a group of other military spouses or a parenting group can help identify new ways to cope, showing how others handle the situation.
   
• Handling financials. With the stress of having an absent family member, the last thing the family needs is the added burden of dealing with financial problems. Make sure that all financial arrangements are in order before deployment takes place. According to CinCHouse.com surveys, most experienced military spouses already handle all the finances.
   
• Prepare the family. An ounce of prevention can make a huge difference. Talk to the kids and explain the situation so they know what is going on. Even things like letting the kids help their parent pack can make a difference. Young children may experience separation anxiety, which is normal, when they are separated from a parent. Just comfort them and help them to understand the situation as best you can. Explain to the child that it is normal, okay, and that it is a part of life. It doesn’t have any reflection on how much the parent loves him or her.
   
• Cherish quality time. When everyone is home together, spend a lot of quality time together and really cherish it. Try to do something special together before deployment, time permitting. Make sure you still celebrate all holidays, birthdays, and big events, if it means doing it before or after the deployment.
   
• Expect the unexpected. Even with a plan in place and stories of experience from others, unexpected issues are bound to come up. The best you can do is to be proactive in planning as much as possible ahead of time, and welcoming Mom or Dad with open arms upon their return.
  
  When Children are Involved
  “Parents can help kids cope with a hectic schedule by providing consistency with routines, such as bedtime rituals, eating, activities, etc.,” says Lisa Dunning, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is the president of the Denver-based Life Support Behavioral Institute, as well as the author of Good Parents Bad Parenting (Lulu.com, 2004). “The more consistent the routine is for a child, with the least amount a disruption, it will enable the child to cope more effectively with the military lifestyle.”
  
  As she explains, most young children do not have a concept of time, so to them six months could mean six hours or six days. Because of this, it is important to not put so much emphasis on the amount of time that the parent will be gone, but instead just focus on the fact that part of the parent’s job requires traveling.
  
  “The parent should provide age appropriate detail as to why they are leaving.  The parent could also give the child a project to work on while they are gone and then give them to the parent when they return,” adds Dunning. “These projects can consist of taking pictures of events, drawing pictures or writing letters.”
  
  The Bottom Line
  Deployment and duty is a part of military life that is not going away. Because of this, it’s important that everyone involved try to make it as easy on their family as possible. Better and more stable days may well be ahead.
  
  “His schedule is pretty set. He leaves the house by 5 a.m. and returns around 5 p.m.,” says Shawna Harwell, stationed in Gulfport, Miss., whose spouse is in the Navy. “It hasn’t been too bad, up until this deployment. Then we just made the best out of what little time we did have. Don’t ever assume everything is set in stone. Even if they say one thing is going to be the case, the total opposite may happen. Your job is to stay flexible and have good contingency plans in place.”
     
  Jacqueline Bodnar is a freelance writer that lives in Port Orange, Fla. with her husband and two children.