March 12, 2009 
Yesterday as I reviewed T-shirt designs for military spouses, I inevitably laughed at one with a favorite slogan: Sexually Deprived for Your Freedom. So true. Yet I was taken aback by the image next to the slogan: An unmistakable hag. This woman could have been the witch from Hansel and Gretal. I don't feel like that. I feel like Rapunzel pining away in her tower, watching eagerly for her man to return home and ready to throw her hair down so he can scale the tower and save her.
It did not escape my notice that a man was doing the design work, and I recognized his perspective from the classic arguments which all military couples face. The husband comes home from deployment to combat. All he wants to do is sleep, enjoy a home cooked meal, enjoy his family and stop thinking about the IEDs that seem to lurk under every bridge. After the requisite two days of "Let Daddy alone he can enjoy being home," he finds his wife is complaining that the roof caved in while he was gone. Rain is leaking through the roof into junior's bedroom and destroying the house. She tried fixing it, and they can't afford a professional. He needs to fix it.
Come on! He's tired, for heaven's sake. Can't she lay off? Can't she just be grateful that he is home alive? Doesn't she know there were moments when his arrival home - alive - might not have been possible? Why does she have to be a nag.
The wife gasps, clearly stunned. She does not consider herself to be a nag. She's thrilled he's home, but inevitably life moves on. The roof is important. She's done everything else she possibly could have, but she can't do this. And, no, she'll never truly understand what is meant when he says it was 'a close call' but she can guess.
Ah, the impasse. Then the conversation follows:
Him: Look, I'm so sorry I can't be here to handle all these things. I'm doing the best I can as it is.
Her: I know, but we can't just keep letting the rain leak inside the house. Joe next door fixed his roof last year. I know you can do it.
Him: Are you saying you want me to quit the military? So I can be around more and things can be easier?
She thinks a moment, knowing it would be easier. But, no. She doesn't want him to quit. She loves that the military is his calling. She loves that he is part of a team. She loves that his unit is doing good things around the world, and supporting American values. She loves his sense of mission, and the confidence he derives from it. And she loves the raw physical power he exudes. No offense, but a shoe salesman or accountant simply doesn't inspire that kind of passion in her. He does.
In the end, it's love that breaks the impasse. The more the couple recognizes that only love can break the impasse, the more gracefully and completely the argument is resolved. I am inspired by a reference in my friend Amie's blog:
"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, Just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32
By loving the warrior in him, she can forgive the delayed work on a leaky roof (or whatever the problem may be). By loving her Scarlett O'Hara combination of strength and beauty, he can forgive her for trying to take care of the family by asking him to work on the roof. And you can laugh about this crazy life we live - together.