March 19, 2009 
Every time we PCS’d to a new place, my brothers would make friends first. I would beg to be included and cry when the boys left me out. Then my mom would call Steve and Dan inside and say, “Your friends will come and go, but you’ll know your brothers and sisters all of your life.”
I would stand there snuffling, thinking how smart and kind and wise my mother was. My brothers, however, weren’t buying. They were rolling their eyes. I was suffered to tag along as long as mom could see. Her magic phrase o’wisdom was not nearly enough to promote strong family bonds she wanted. Instead, I think it promoted a lot of snuffling.
Yet that was the magic phrase those old timey military moms used to dilute sibling rivalry. Every mom on our block told her kids some version of ‘siblings are forever’. The problem was that the magic phrase wasn’t quite magic enough to promote the kind of thick unity a military family needs.
Since military families must be mobile, we do need stronger bonds than usual between siblings. A kid needs to know that someone has his back. So, of course, the military mom gets tasked to come up with a better solution than her civilian friends.
That’s tough on moms. Kid problems are every bit as complicated as they were when I was the kid. To make matters worse, my own children seem to have more trouble with sibling rivalry whenever their dad is at sea. Here is some advice I’ve picked up from other military families who seemed to handle the rivalry better than me or my mom.
Get involved
Most parenting experts advise parents to let kids settle their differences themselves. That said, how often have you seen that work in the real world? The big kid bullies the little kid. The strong kid foists her will upon the weak. The mean kid pressures the sensitive one until she crumbles. Those solutions don’t settle anything. They only reinforce the idea that size, strength and cruelty always win. Our kids get enough of that in the outside world. If home for a military child is meant to be a haven, they have the right to expect some fairness. Your presence might be required.
No one started it
The mistake many parents make is to rush into a kid conflict and blame whomever is not crying. The cryer isn’t always innocent. Even if the cryer is your special needs child, you don’t really know what went on prior to the incident. We have no idea how many times the cryer teased their sib before they got smacked. Assume everyone is to blame.
What do you want now?
Forget the recent past. It is a waste of time to figure out how the battle began. Instead, ask each child, “What do you want now?” Do they want control of the TV? The Leapster? The Barbie with the good hair? Do they just want to be left alone? Once each kid has identified what it is they really want, then and only then are they are ready to negotiate a solution to the problem. If what they want is impossible (e.g. I want to be an only child) hear that without arguing and help them identify what they really want.
Military kids divide stuff up.
According to interviews with military grade schoolers, brothers and sisters never remember whose turn it really is. Keeping track of turns on a piece of paper takes too much time. So military kids report that they divide up turns, chores, toys, and privileges based on something that can’t be changed or cheated. Flipping a coin always works for two kids. Also rock, paper, scissors works when you have more than two kids or you don’t have a coin.
Months and days.
The months of the year divide up evenly by 2, 3, 4, or 6 kids. So if it is January, that must mean Riley empties the dishwasher and Finn clears the table. My own kids divided up who got to ride shotgun based on the days on the week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday Kelsey got the front seat. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday Sam got the front seat.
They decided that Kelsey could have the front seat on Sunday, too, because she was older, and, according to her, the older, taller kid should have the front seat all the time. Her brother would not agree to that, so she took what she could get. Baby brother Peter got the car seat in the back every day.
My room is my room
Another policy that keeps the peace is that every kid is the king of his own castle. If both kids are playing in Taylor’s bedroom, then Taylor makes the rules. Taylor says when the fun is over. Also, if Taylor’s friends are over for a playdate, as long as they are in Taylor’s room, other siblings can’t play unless invited. Everyone needs to have their space and property protected.
Dealing with sibling rivalry when kids are feeling needy and greedy can really sap the energy of the at-home parent. The deployed service member can help by listening without feeling the need to fix things from far away. Keeping the family focused on the big picture— “you and me against the world, Babe” —is a skill every service member must cultivate.