April 08, 2009 
I love the parents they feature those military recruiting ads. They show the proud mom with two boys in the Navy. They show the reasonable mom whose daughter wants to be part of something bigger than herself. They show military moms who are calm, wise, normal, sober, even-toned. These moms may have their doubts, the ads seem to say, but their pride in their kid overcomes all that.
Funny, then, how the ads don’t feature other scenes that require a calm, wise, normal, sober, even-toned mom. Because even the Army ain’t brave enough to show the mom when she turns into a mother-in-law. They won’t show Mom getting a call from her 20-year old soldier telling her he just got married. Or follow along during a visit when the MIL notes her daughter-in-law’s Coach handbag(s), the stack of take out boxes in the newlywed fridge, the presence of a child from another relationship.
Showing that kind of situation would take real guts. Because being a mother-in-law to a military spouse takes guts. The lesson of how to be a fairly decent mother-in-law (MIL) is hard for anyone, but in military life it takes a lot more skill than most of us bring to the table. Every time I talk to military MILs, I am reminded that these are nice ladies and that these are the hard lessons the nice ladies have to learn:
Lesson 1: Yes, they are too young/stupid/poor to get married.
MIL you are absolutely right. Young marriages burdened with separation, poverty, babies are statistically more likely to fail. Yup. Got it. No arguing there. So…. get over it. Stop building that argument. Fold it up and put in your handbag. Once the actual ceremony is performed, once the spouse’s name is entered in DEERS, you, darling little MIL, are required to forget that this particular argument ever existed. Also, take note that many of our senior enlisted and senior officers are happily married to the chicks they met when they were too young to know better.
Lesson 2. Yes, this daughter-in-law or son-in-law is not the person you would have picked for your child. But you are still going to have to get with the program. As long as your DIL or SIL is not running a meth lab out of the kitchen, fronting a prostitution ring out of a portapotty, or committing any other felonies that would require the presence of Mark Harmon’s hot self (or anyone else from NCIS) you have to move on. Oh, and really, it’s a good idea that you stop referring to the woman in question as your son’s first wife.
Lesson 3: You aren’t her mother.
I know you think you could really help your DIL by sharing your experience. Not so much. You didn’t raise this chick, so you aren’t actually responsible for her ability to keep house, spend money, earn money, wipe children’s noses, drive or keep her whites their whitest. Zip it. I’m telling you—this is fab advice. Stop rolling your eyes.
Lesson 4: She is his home now.
I know you pride yourself on your ability to create a home for your son. That is so sweet of you. Your little boy will always treasure your ability to make perfect meatballs and grow petunias. Or whatever. But now that your kid is married, he has a new home. Because that is a rule of military life. Home is wherever his wife is. You have graduated to “back home” status. Enjoy that. Respect that boundary.
Lesson 5: Define “Good Enough”
According to one military MIL, she had a lot more peace with her DIL once she understood that as long as her DIL was making her son happy, the chick was doing a good-enough job.
Lesson 6: Develop some respect for sex
Sex is an incredibly powerful force, remember? It doesn’t happen between any two people of the opposite sex. Something magical, something chemical, something incredible has to happen to intensify a relationship until marriage seems like not just a good idea, but the ONLY idea. Even though you don’t want to think about your grown kid as a sexual being, he is. Respect it enough not to even ask to come to a homecoming ever, ever, again.
Lesson 7: Keep your money separate from theirs.
As long as you are lending money to the newlyweds (or oldlyweds) you will feel like you have the right to speak your mind. If one or both of them live in your house, every dime they spend will get on your nerves. Keep your money separate from theirs and they can make their own mistakes in peace.
Lesson 8: Your job is done
Your son is grown. And that’s the problem isn’t it? He doesn’t look grown. When you see him sleeping on your couch, his high-and-tight so short that you can see to his scalp, he seems like that little boy who watched Thundercats on TV. The boy who wore braces. The boy who still hasn’t cleaned his room. It brings out the tenderest, most protective feelings you have for him. You can’t bear the thought that he would be hurt or taken advantage of by anyone. But this child of yours—this soldier, this sailor, this airman, this Coastie, this Marine—is grown. He or she is as grown and as responsible as anyone could ever be. It is now, at the time of marriage, not at the time of recruitment, that your pride be strong enough to overcome any doubts. Really, get with the program. Be the MIL you can be. We need you. We all need you.