April 13, 2009
By CDR Thomas Robinson, MD
Today women play a greater roll in the military than any other time in history. Active duty women have risen above the glass ceiling and crossed enemy lines to perform their duties on par with nearly all of their male counterparts. This series of articles explores medical topics unique to women serving in the military.
When any parent or couple is blessed with a child, a decision is traditionally made: Who is the “bread winner” and who is the “care giver”? Since antiquity, tradition has placed women in the care giver role, with additional stress on her if she chooses to balance motherhood with her career. This is especially true when a deployment is involved. Knowledge of the resources available for parents will help reduce this stress and allow every military woman to maintain a healthy and happy mind and body.
Preparing to deploy
All family members go through a cycle of preparing for, living through, and recovering from a deployment. The Deployment Health Library (see the link below) has excellent resources that discuss the stages of this cycle and the fears that go with it. Children are often afraid of separation from their parents, and parents are afraid of introducing these fears to their children. Children may also be afraid of the dangers inherent to their parent’s job while deployed. In children, fears become emotion and may manifest as sadness, problems sleeping, acting out, or even anger. To prevent these reactions, parents know they need to discuss the upcoming deployment with their child but are often concerned about what to say and when to say it.
Bridge the gap from the time you receive orders to the time you tell your children about your upcoming deployment by introducing the changes into the family’s daily routine and making these changes familiar. Write notes and letters to your children and read them together. If you are likely to have webcam capability while deployed, try it out regularly from the office or even from the next room. Whatever means you use to communicate, let your child know that the lines of communication will still be open as much as possible while you are deployed. Paramount to this discussion, and your child’s well-being, is their understanding that they have done nothing wrong and are not being abandoned.
Being deployed
Child care while you are deployed is one of the greatest concerns for any parent. If the care giver is not your spouse, then a close and reliable family member is often best. There is a long list of caregiver tools they will need: Power of attorney (if not your spouse), your child’s medical information, a good understanding of the family daily routines, approved back-up care givers, family emergency contact information, and any other information you feel is pertinent. Providing reliable care in your absence will be one of the best ways to not only care for your child but also bring you peace of mind.
One of the best ways to help your child cope with your deployment is to be only 'partially' gone. The at home care giver can keep you in the house by gestures as simple as displaying your photographs together and your favorite things, or serving your favorite meals. You can have more elaborate preparations by pre-recording many of your children’s favorite books as bedtime audiotapes. With each of these methods you can reinforce the security your children have and need that you love them no matter where you are or how long you are gone. The benefit to all of these measures is they help you cope with the separation as well.
Returning from deployment
The joyful reunion after many months of separation is not easy. Getting to know each other as a family again often takes time. Try to understand there has been stress on both sides. Just because family members at home may not have been “in harm's way” does not mean that life was easy. Try not to place expectations or demands on family members or minimize their concerns. When listening to a child's complaints about your deployment, for example, tell that that you know it must have been very difficult on them. Do not respond by saying you had it worse. When you return be especially sharing with praise for children and other family members, but do not be alarmed if children are somewhat distant at first. The family will require as much time to fit you back into their routine as you will need to fit the reality of being at home back into yours.
Children usually need time to reacclimatize to the changes in family, even when you come home. Reconnect by reviewing photographs, drawings the children have done, school projects, and spending some time doing fun activities. Be quick to praise their successes and caring when it comes to discipline.
Over time, the temporary forces that had divided your family will give way to the longterm forces that keep a family together. For more information visit the DoD Deployment Health and Family Readiness Library.
Doc Robinson is an active duty Navy family physician.