Outcomes

Outcomes

By Jacey Eckhart

A military fiancée posted this question on a Cinchouse.com forum:  What are the possible outcomes for my marriage?

At first I thought the question sounded like she was conducting some kind of scientific experiment.  That she wanted observable, empirical, measurable data she could use to make a logical decision about her level of risk.  Good luck with that. 

Later I had to admire the chick.  When I was a bride at 21, I didn’t know there was more than one outcome in a military relationship.  Oh, I recognized that people got divorced all the time, but Brad and I were made for each other.  Happily ever after was the only possible outcome.

I know better now. So I look at this chick’s question in a slightly different way. What are the possible outcomes for her relationship?

Well, why not start with what is probable?  Military folks don’t have demonstrably higher divorce rates than any other group.  So it is probable that she could have a perfectly functional marriage.  She could find work that keeps her busy.  Give birth to three kids. Dump the minivan for a BMW.  Unwrap a diamond anniversary band at the 20-year mark.  Happens all the time.

But then there are the other possibilities.  The things that happen to military folks over the decades that you can’t exactly predict, but are certainly in the realm of possibility.  For example, this chick could decide to join the military herself. She could excel in her field for 30 years then take her rightful place as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.  That’s a viable possibility.  Admit it, some woman in uniform is headed that way this minute.  

Then again some woman is thinking of starting a prostitution ring in the Port-a-johns outside the gambling parlor at the club overseas.  She will explain a thousand rolls of quarters to the MPs as her “winnings.”  Yeah, that’s possible, too.

Then there are the outcomes we dread.  The media constantly reminds us that she could ignore the warning signs only to discover that she is married to an evil man in hero’s clothing. He could cheat on her, lie to her, beat her, take her money, torture her children.  Or she could be the evil one.

But is this probable?  Is this what happens to most people?  I don’t think so.  What’s far more likely (in terms of the worst-case scenario) is that midway through her husband’s military career, this spouse will decide that this guy and his career aren’t worth it.  That her only chance at happiness is to divorce him.  To take the kids and stay put.  Five years later she may wonder why she didn’t do it sooner.  Or she could sit over her nightly bottle of wine and wonder why she isn’t any happier.

We don’t see some outcomes because they aren’t so dramatic, so explosive.  We fail to notice those couples made of two people who are both salt-of-the-earth, good to the bone.  Neither of them may be anything special in the big scheme of things, but he is hers.  He belongs to her and she to him. They hold each other’s happiness like goldfinch eggs in the palms of their cupped hands.

At the end of all this, I wonder, too, whether our young fiancée is actually wondering about whether her young husband could die.  He could.  He could die in war, in an accident, from cancer when he is 32 years old.  She could be devastated, blighted, haunted.  Or relieved.

These things are outcomes. We’ve all seen so many more.  But what do we expect this young fiancée to do with this information?  What’s the unifying theme here?

I think it is her presence.  She is an actor in every circumstance.  She can’t control everything, but she makes things happen.  She stands up to react after the blow falls.  That’s one of the things that I treasure and, I fear, hate most about military life.  It doesn’t allow you to be a feather, being carried downstream without any power to determine what happens to you next.  Military life demands action from souls capable of delivering.

I can be one of those souls.  So can you.  So can she.  Because she asked the question:  what are the possible outcomes for my marriage?  I know what outcome I want her to have.  I want her to have happily ever after. The deep necessity of Sunday morning in bed.  The unthinking trust.  The assumed future.  The shopping list.  The resumes.  The welcome morning phone call and the brush of his hand on her breast.  All I want is best of all possible outcomes.  This one.  Forever.

Jacey Eckhart is a military life consultant in the Washington, DC area.  She is the author of The Homefront Club:  The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide To Raising a Military Family.  Reach her at jacey@jaceyeckhart.com.







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