Therapy?!!

By Jacey Eckhart

I could almost see the little quote marks appear in the air above the word “counseling”.    

“Yeah, we once got ‘counseling,’” said a thirtysomething Marine wife .  She and her husband found themselves going through a rough patch—the way many military couples do at one time or another. So the Marine agreed to go to couples therapy with her.

I give the dude credit for that.  His wife did, too.  The problem was the counselor.  “He never made eye contact with us,” she told me.  “Do they train them to do that?  It was all…and how do you feel about that?  It didn’t help.”

And that’s the issue.  All branches of the service are looking at current suicide rates and divorce rates and incidents of PTSD.  They quickly put on the push for mental health services.  Whether it is the new 170-question assessment of resiliency the Army is giving all of its members, or the study about the dangerous driving practices of returning soldiers, counseling is no longer stigmatized.  It is encouraged.  It is celebrated.  It is marketed.

I am all for that.  Nothing like a trained and caring individual to get us through such tough times.  Yet, when I think of that Marine couple, I’ve got to say that just providing funding for counseling isn’t enough.  Hanging up signs all over the base urging folks to get counseling isn’t enough.   Those things are good.  Those things make the Army look like a caring institution.  But those things aren’t enough.  We also need to pay some real attention to the issue of who is going to provide that counseling.

Take the Marine couple I mentioned earlier.  When they consulted that therapist, the lack of eye contact irritated the Marine so much he had trouble focusing on anything else. Maybe the therapist was tired.  Maybe the therapist had been trained to avoid eye contact.  Maybe the Marine was looking for an excuse not to go to therapy anymore.

Regardless, the wife agreed that the mannerisms of the therapist were distracting to them both, but to the Marine especially.  A lack of eye contact is a show of disrespect to a Marine.  How can a Marine trust someone who acts so far out of acceptable behavior in military culture?  How can a Marine begin to confide in someone who doesn’t truly understand the profession?

I’ve run into that kind of therapist myself.  I once did an interview with a marriage and family therapist who propped his foot on the chair next to so that his crotch was at eye level.  Then he stroked his tie in a suggestive way during the entire interview.  Strange.   And stranger.  This man was responsible for heading up a program for military couples.  He had a lot of experience in the field, but had never dealt with military members before.   He didn’t think that would be a problem.

I did.  I still do.  When we talk about providing mental health care to our military, we often focus on how military members want to avoid the stigma of getting therapy.  We focus on their pridefulness and their unwillingness to ask for help.  But we have to recognize that our service members are only part of the equation when it comes to effective therapy.  The therapists themselves have to get it.  They have to understand on a very deep level what it means to be a soldier, a sailor, an airman, a Seabee, a Coastie, a SEAL, a Ranger, a pilot.  They need to understand why we always capitalize the word Marine.

I haven’t run into a whole lot of providers who get that.  Some do, but I wouldn’t say that most do, would you?  Surely it would make a difference to the service member’s ability to start therapy and do the work of therapy if they were not forced to explain and defend that part of their soul every minute.

Certainly, training can be provided to potential therapists.  We spouses can urge our service members to try a new therapist until they find a good fit.  But I think an even better solution would be to capture some our own.  At the end of their careers, so many of our retiring service members find that the most rewarding part of their work is counseling young soldiers or helping junior officers figure out how to manage and lead.  These guys leave the service still hungry to make a difference in the world.

Why don’t we send them back to school?  Why don’t we send them to become licensed clinical social workers or marriage and family therapists?  Why don’t we offer scholarships to military brats or military spouses who are heading back to college or graduate school? Who better to help our military families than someone who is truly a part of our culture.  Who will see through evasions.  Who will recognize patterns a civilian will never see.

Therapy is a useful tool for military families.  Funding programs and urging participation is a good start.  But identifying and eliminating cultural barriers that keep our people from working through their problems is even better.
 
Jacey Eckhart is a military/life consultant based in Washington DC.  She is the author of The Homefront Club:  The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide to Raising a Military Family" and the voice behind “These Boots.”  Check out more columns and her speaking schedule at www.jaceyeckhart.com.