October 08, 2009 
By Jacey Eckhart
“I’m not like those other military wives,” Lina said. “I’m not a Dependopotomus.” Every military spouse in the room gave a start of recognition. A snort of guilty laughter. A dependopotomus??
In that single word Lina captured all those military spouses in our lives who couldn’t seem to do anything without the help of their service member. Male or female, those dependopotomuses couldn’t fill out forms alone. Couldn’t go to the doctor. Couldn’t keep the kids from living on Taco Doritos without the service member front and center.
In one way it was funny. What a perfect word to describe that kind of spouse. In another way it was not funny at all. Because Lina didn’t blurt out that word so that she could get a laugh. She didn’t say it to be mean. Instead, there was a note of frustration-- or maybe even anger-- in her voice.
When I talked to her later, Lina said that at her husband’s present duty station, she felt like she was surrounded by women who seemed to be choosing helplessness. Whether it was because they were genuinely incapable or malevolent users, it meant that there was no one she could talk to who was connected with their military life. She couldn’t connect.
I felt for Lina. The more I thought about it, I felt for the dependopotomuses, too. Because the existence of the word made me question myself: If those military spouses are dependopotomuses, doesn’t that make me a dependopotomus too? Don’t we become dependopotomuses by definition when we marry these military dudes and follow them around the country and wait for them to come home from deployment?
No wonder the word got such a rise out of all of us. What a vivid way to distance ourselves from our worst fear—of being too dependent.
Because dependent sure is a dirty word in our generation. We’ve even eradicated the noun “dependent” in military vocabulary and replaced it with the socially acceptable term “family member.” Lina and I took on that message and, by God, we pride ourselves on our wicked independence-- even if it means we feel like we have no one to talk to. No matter what, Lina and I tell ourselves we aren’t. Like. Them.
So why does that secret part of my soul whisper to me that military life doesn’t really work that way. Some dependence is required. The truth is that I do depend on my husband. We both contribute to our household budget, but all of our insurance and the lion’s share of our retirement savings come from him. When he’s home, we both take care of the kids and the house and the yard. But during a deployment, the guy couldn’t own a dog without me. He totally, completely, and utterly depends on me to fill out the forms and get the kids to the doctor and keep the Taco Doritos as a sometimes food.
So who is the dependopotomus? Me? Him? This is one of those things I’m not sure about. I know it’s wrong to be too helpless and I know that some interdependence is required or military life won’t work. The balance is in there somewhere, submerged under all that show of how independent we really are.
Jacey Eckhart is a military/life consultant based in Washington DC. She is the author of The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide to Raising a Military Family" and the voice behind “These Boots.” Check out more columns and her speaking schedule at www.jaceyeckhart.com.