April 26, 2010 
by Sarah Sandifer
Marriage has always fascinated me; it is such a unique relationship. I love seeing newlyweds walk down the street hand in hand. I think that I love it even more though to see an older man and his wife still holding hands after 50 years together. There is something beautiful in the longevity. There is something significant in two people dedicating their lives to each other through thick and thin, and following through on that promise.
I heard about a study on marriage that looked at why certain marriages succeed while others do not. What the study discovered is that successful marriages can be described mathematically with the ratio of 5:1.
In marriages that succeed and thrive, for every 1 unhealthy interaction there are 5 more positive exchanges. To balance the amount of destruction that a hurtful comment, a roll of the eyes, or a criticism has on a person or on a relationship, it takes five more positive interactions between the two of you.
What are positive interactions? A compliment on their outfit. A text message letting them know you're thinking about them. Eye contact and being engaged when they are venting about their day. Inviting them to go on a date with you.
Marriage has the potential to be this beautiful, life-giving relationship. Trying to not only have a marriage but a good marriage, while in the military, is especially tricky.
A military marriage entails saying goodbye to each other. A military marriage entails a lot of cross-country moves, deployments, military social functions, managing Tricare, new jobs, and new friends. A military marriage looks a little different than a regular marriage might.
I would say that without the military though, I would not have the marriage I do today. In a good way. We have a strength in our relationship because of what we went through these first five years together. It takes a lot of work. It takes making the choice for each other every morning and choosing love. It takes dedication when you go days, maybe months, without seeing each other or even talking to each other. It takes doing everything you can to nourish your friendship as well as your marriage.
Some days we'll go to a park that's close to our house and hike around with our dog. We don't have to fill the silence 100% of the time, but simply being together is an act that cultivates our friendship. We laugh together, a lot. We find things to appreciate in each other, and let them know those things. We go out to the movies and enjoy spending time together.
As a military couple though, there are many times that you are not together, so what do you do then?
I celebrated my last birthday with a husband in Afghanistan. It was a sad day and I had to go into work to teach history to my high school students. Mid-afternoon I got a surprise delivery; my husband had sent a bouquet of roses to work on my birthday! That absolutely was a positive interaction between us despite the distance.
Another year, Lane was gone training at Nellis Air Force Base in Las Vegas for three weeks. I had the job flexibility to do this, and not every TDY trip worked out this way, but he decided to fly me out over one of the weekends and we were able to spend four spontaneous days together.
When he was deployed, I did little things to still keep us connected. I found conversation cards with prompting questions that I would tape to a sheet of paper, write down my answer and mail over to Lane. When he called it helped initiate conversation between the two of us as he told me his answer. Another time I bought a book, read it and then mailed it to him, and we'd discuss what we thought about it through phone or e-mail.
For us these positive interactions, these 5:1's, have helped our marriage. Whether Lane is home or away, we are engaged in our marriage. Whether there's been a busy week at work, a deployment, or a fight, we keep moving forward. It's natural for those negative interactions to happen, but we deal with it, then brush it off and move on. It would be easy to get legalistic about the 5:1, and almost start to keep track of it, but I think that misses the heart of the message. All it takes is being aware of interactions between the two of you- are they hurtful, encouraging, critical, or uplifting? It takes choosing love, choosing to be engaged, and doing everything in your power to cultivate your relationship.