His On-Duty Gal Pal

By Janet Farley
 
The signs make you wonder. 
 
First, there are the all too frequent phone calls and emails that he willingly takes and doesn’t complain about. When you ask him about his day, he always brings up a particular female colleague and the funny/smart/brilliant thing she did to make his day easier.  He mentions that he went to lunch with her. Again.  Finally, there was the awkward feeling you had in the pit of your stomach (or was that your heart?) when you met her at the last unit function. 
 
You’re not certain, but you find yourself wondering about your hubby’s on-duty gal pal. Does he have an office “wife” and is she a friend or a foe to your marriage?
 
Romance is in the Air
 
Call it an occupational hazard if you want to, but office romances are a work place reality, in or out of uniform.  According to Vault’s 2008 Office Romance Survey, nearly 60% of those questioned confessed to having been involved in a dangerous liaison or were at least willing to walk on the wild side.
 
Thirty percent of those who participated in the survey claimed to have an office “husband” or “wife”, defined as someone with whom there was no romantic relationship but rather a platonic one. These are the “work couples” that hang around each other on the job. Need a lunch date? Call your buddy. Need to team up with someone to tackle a project? Look no further than your trusted “husband” or “wife”.
 
Research the matter and you’ll find experts residing on one side of the relationships spectrum to the other, and at all points in between.  Some will argue that such platonic relationships developed on the job can more easily lead to the hot and heavy romantic ones that become known as affairs. Others disagree.
 
Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who knows?
 
There are Rules, You Know
 
In the civilian world, 25% of companies have some sort of policy in place that addresses the issue according to a report by the Employers Council. Management experts suggest that percentage should be much higher.  And then there is Uncle Sam, famous for having a policy on everything.
 
Fraternization, as the Department of Defense calls it, can be a complicated issue with each branch of service having it own definition of the word as well as detailed guidelines to go along with those definitions.  
 
Suffice it to say here that office romances or inappropriate platonic ones, in or out of uniform, can lead to a host of negativity on the job if not an outright loss of a career. Perception, after all, is too often interpreted as reality and the effects, left unchecked, can be damaging.
 
For instance:
 

• Uninvolved colleagues have more to gossip about and they will. Say goodbye to that well respected reputation and possibilities for promotion.
• Others may have to pick up the workload of the “couple” that are too busy being involved with one another to do their jobs.
• “Bad breakups” may cause further disruption in the workplace and lead to potential claims of favoritism, discrimination, sexual harassment and retaliation.
• Failed personal relationships, on and off the job.

 
Tips for Handling the Situation
 
Statistics, policies and reports of potential damaging results, however, hardly seem comforting when you find yourself personally wondering what the heck is going on between your spouse and his or her significant other on the job. Here are a few suggestions for resolving the situation:
 

• Talk with your spouse. Tell him how you feel and go from there. Make sure you listen to what is being said and to what isn’t. Open communication lines are critical, even if the news traveling across them is uncomfortable. They represent the first steps to understanding and clarity. 

• Be open to being wrong. Perhaps the little green monster residing in the dark recesses of your soul has been sneaking steroids on the side or has been subject to some other unexplained chemical imbalance for which you are not to blame.

• Invite his gal pal (or her pal) over for dinner and form your own relationship with the person in question. Take the time to get to know this individual and you may find that you have a new buddy as well. Maybe Abraham Lincoln had it right when he said “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.”

• Work on it. If it turns out that your chemicals are perfectly balanced and there is more than just a work-related friendship going on, then accept that you and your spouse have bigger issues to address here. Seek professional counseling if necessary and work on working it out.