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As an Air Force brat, Jacey Eckhart grew up swearing she would never enter the military or marry anyone who did. Of course, she married the first Navy guy she ever met. Eighteen years later, she and her husband Brad have moved 13 times. Tackled five deployments. Raised three kids. And Jacey has written over 400 columns that encourage, empower and entertain military families everywhere.
As an Air Force brat, Jacey Eckhart grew up swearing she would never enter the military or marry anyone who did. Of course, she married the first Navy guy she ever met. Eighteen years later, she and her husband Brad have moved 13 times. Tackled five deployments. Raised three kids. And Jacey has written over 400 columns that encourage, empower and entertain military families everywhere.
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November 19, 2009 
By Jacey Eckhart
MEMO
TO: Darling Person Who is Planning a Program, Briefing, Get Together, Coffee, Party, Class, Workshop, Event Of Any Kind for Military Spouses:
FROM: Generation Me
I’m sorry, but I can’t be there. I’d love to, but, no. Really. I can’t. I could tell you that I work, or that I don’t have daycare or that my kids play in a hockey league that only meets after midnight on Sundays. But the truth is that I have problems with attending anything that has the words “military spouse” in the title.
Oh no. Did I hurt your feelings? I know you work really hard to get that program together. That this would be so good for me. That your boss is breathing down your neck about the low attendance at your events. But, honest, this isn’t about you. It’s about Generation Me.
That’s the thing most of the people out there who are concerned about military families forget all about. Generation Me.. Or whatever you call that generation of folks currently in the military or married to it. You helping professionals forget that any time you are dealing with us that you are dealing with a whole generation of people who are uncomfortable with the idea of being a “spouse.”
It isn’t that we aren’t crazy in love with our husbands or wives. It’s that word Spouse. Ack. I mean, really, what is that? Spouse? Louse? Mouse? Frau of the house? That’s nothing I want to be. It’s the kind of word that sounds like it’s been growing on your service member’s intestine and ought to be nipped off before it blocks blood flow to his brain.
But it isn’t only the word that gets us. The word is just symbolic. It is the concept of being an appendage of another person that makes us squirm. Few of us were raised to that. Unlike previous generations, if we wanted to be in the military, we went down to the recruiter’s office, laced up the boots and started to run. We didn’t need to marry into the military to partake in the military, thanks.
In fact, when we married military members we signed up to marry that individual, to take on the role of Nicole’s husband or Brad’s wife. That was what social psychologists call an achieved role—a position that you voluntarily take on that reflects your own skills, your own abilities, your own efforts.
It is only after we were actually married to the dude or dudette in uniform that we found out that there is this funky ascribed role that comes with it. Suddenly we were assigned to the position of “military spouse” without regard to our own interest or merit but because of the person we married.
That’s icky for me. And I’m a girl. I can hardly imagine what guys think when they wake up with “spouse” tattooed on their left buttock.
It isn’t only the ascribed role of military spouse that is uncomfortable. either. It is also the negative stereotypes that surround spouses. This isn’t a role with a fun reputation. Sociologist Margaret Harrell found that junior enlisted spouses had to deal with a widely held stereotype that they were lower class, uneducated, unintelligent, out of control both sexually and reproductively, in unstable relationships and lacking morals and financially irresponsible. Would you be running to a party or a class if you thought this was how everyone was looking at you?
The opposite stereotype of military spouses is no more attractive. Male or female, officer or enlisted, the good military spouse is supposed to be some kind of uber-housewife willing to undertake separations, able to leap across the country with all her household goods, raising above average—nay, gifted—children , an ultraorganized, volunteer who holds down a full-time job and writes Harlequin romances like “Admiral’s Bride” or “Out of Uniform” on the side.
Most of us don’t fit in with that group either. If you are going to do your job, you’ve got to know before you ever build it, before you ever organize it, Generation Me does not want to come. Maybe if we don’t come, then we aren’t really military spouses. We aren’t like them.
So outsmart us. It’s part of your job to fold and bend the role of military spouse like a gum wrapper until you’ve made it into an origami crane that flies away. You have to experiment until you find a method of delivery that appeals enough that we can overcome our aversion to “spouse” and move on. Don’t blow it. Because we need you far more than you know.
Jacey Eckhart is a military/life consultant based in Washington DC. She is the author of The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide to Raising a Military Family" and the voice behind “These Boots.” Check out more columns and her speaking schedule at www.jaceyeckhart.com. Write her at Jacey@jaceyeckhart.com
Friday, December 04, 2009 3:16 PM
What does being a military spouse mean to me? By definition the word spouse refers to a partner, male or female, in a marriage. To expand on that, a military spouse would simply be a partner in a marriage in which one or both members are enlisted in a military branch of service. How is this offensive or degrading? Any negative connotations to the phrase, military spouse, are not inherent, but are supplied by you and exist only in your mind. But this isn’t about you. It’s about your spouse and the people who believe in him. It’s about the people who support your husband by trying to support you. I am also a military spouse. The difference between you and I, however, is that I am proud of my title. I attend the functions that you turn your nose up at. I do it to support myself, my husband, our military and the men and women who give so much to provide us with these functions. To all these people you say, “Thanks, but no thanks, I find the use of the word military spouse offensive.” Grow up and get off your high horse, honey. Yes, when a person marries a member of the military there are a lot of hidden, at first, responsibilities that come along with that marriage. Yes, it takes a strong , organized, and responsible person to succeed at being a military spouse. Are these men and women super-powered? No, they are simply dedicated. I can see how this stereotype could be unattractive to someone who doesn’t share that dedication. As to your assertion that enlisted spouses are stereotypically “lower class, uneducated, unintelligent, out of control both sexually and reproductively, in unstable relationships and lacking morals and are financially irresponsible”, you just described at least 75% of all males and females under the age of 25. That is hardly a stereotype aimed specifically at military spouses. You also wrote, “So outsmart us.” Why? Why should you have to be tricked into supporting the people who support the military and in so doing, support you? Is that such a horrible thing? I don’t believe it is. If you are disinclined to benefit from all the wonderful opportunities presented to you by those “Darling People”, by all means do so. But, please, do not disrespect those people who worked hard to provide you and the rest of us with these opportunities. Your column is your opinion and as such you are free to have it and , in this country, express it in whatever format you choose. However, don’t ever have the arrogance to believe you speak for the majority of military spouses on this issue, especially not for this particular military spouse.
Friday, December 04, 2009 3:20 PM
Is this from your perspective or someone elses? Reading the "about" section on your blog I find it hard to believe the you feel this way personally. I've been a military spouse for 7 years and in the navy for 13 and find this article rude and disrespectful(so did several other military spouses in my office). What's wrong with supporting your husband or wife? They put their lives on the line when they are deployed, it's the least we can do. Spouse isn't a disrespectful term, it's a nongender specific term, like flight attendant. The stereotypes that you are referring to in this article are towards every military spouse, not just the generation me crowd. There are visible lines between officer and enlisted, and Chiefs and E-6 and below. They are there to battle fraternization, not to single people out or make them feel uncomfortable. If people feel uncomfortable then that's on them, spouses are not limited in the same way as the military member. I've been to several functions when my husband was still a first class, and we've been to several since he made Chief. I'm also a member of the GLAM(Great Lakes area military spouses) group here in Great Lakes. Some wives/husbands are snobs and act better than others, simply ignoring them and surrounding yourself with the nice spouses works pretty well. The nice ones outnumber the snobs every time. I too often hear "I have nothing to do", "I don't know anyone here". There's resources out there to get in touch with people, get off your tush and find them. If you want to change steretypes, get off your a$$ and change them, don't sit behind a computer and whine. If "generation me" wants something, go to the fleet and family service center and get it. I have no problem being called a military spouse. I'm proud to be connected to the military. To bad generation me can't be.
Sunday, December 06, 2009 9:29 PM
I think you may have hit the nail on it's hard head. I've been in four different roles during my husbands career...the working can't do events wife, duel military wife, FRG leader wife begging people to come to different things I planned to get us out of the house and off base, and the doesnt want have anything to do with the company wife. You know what? Now that I'm at a new station without friends or family I would love the closeness of a spouse club or an FRG or any type of event with my husband's company just so I can meet someone...Sometimes that "Mandentory Fun" or "forced socializing" is a good way to find a coffee buddy, especially when deployments are now a fact of life. It's harder now too that I fall somewhere in the middle...too old for the young wives and too young for the "my husband is close to retirement" wives.
Friday, February 19, 2010 3:35 PM
I’m conflicted about this article. Is it meant to be taken seriously? Those Spouses who carry so much of the work load are now suppose to cater to a generation so selfish that they are also suppose to make the military-association life of “Generation Me” more interesting? Or is it meant to be taken with gentle sarcasm? Those Spouses of “Generation Me” should take the hint, get out of the house, join organizations, make their lives married to the military interesting themselves, and instigate those changes they’d like to have. I don’t object to being referred to as a “Spouse” because my father-in-law’s military referred to my mother-in-law as a Dependent! As an independent woman who has handled multiple moves (my first two moves were by myself, and the second was transpacific!), lived on three different continents, lived in neighborhoods where no one spoke English, and navigated street/building signs that used an alphabet that looked like circles and lines, I wouldn’t want to go back to being referred to as “dependent”. When I first became a military Spouse, I worked full time and went to school. I was told that “someone” from the unit would contact me, so I waited. And waited. Finally I thought, well they don’t want me, so I don’t want them. I later discovered “they” didn’t even know I was there because my Soldier didn’t think I’d be interested. I wasn’t, really, but I felt slighted anyway. No one tells Spouses that because of privacy laws the unit can’t contact you unless the Soldier gives permission. Once “they” knew I was there, they were thrilled to know me, friendly, helpful, supportive, and I couldn’t have survived my husband’s deployment without them. If I didn’t want to participate, I didn’t have to, but once I saw how much work a very few were doing, I felt I should do something, too. After all, I take advantage of discounted quality child care and sports programs, buy items on post tax-free, pay $1.50 less for mayo than the local grocery store’s price, get free medical care where available, use the post gym, etc, so shouldn’t I give something back to the military that was doing so much for me? I started small. I’m now one of those Spouses who organize, plan events, and invite everyone I have contact information on. I would dearly love to know how to make events, parties, workshops, briefings, or anything else more interesting to “Generation Me.” But until they get involved and tell me what DOES interest them, I just continue doing the best I can.
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