This post will be broken in to 3 parts as I just rolled everything I wanted to say in to 1 post. It might be kind of long sorry.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been reading the letters that Bryan and I wrote back and forth over the two year long deployments. I am thinking about writing a book and this would be a great way to show how our relationship was before he got hurt. It has really thrown me into a falling funk. Bryan was so immensely romantic and wanted nothing more than to marry me, have a family, enjoy life. We had so many hopes and dreams. I feel like at times I don't know who that Bryan was. I can hardly remember it. While things have gotten so much better since January I am still missing parts of my Bryan.

I had to take a break from reading the letters. He wrote 60 to me and I wrote about double that to him. I started to get angry and resentful of him. I read some of the letters to him and he listened. He rolled his eyes and thought some of the stuff he said was stupid. He couldn't believe he was so gushy and make your teeth ache sweet.
There are parts of the letters I wouldn't want to include in the book but Bryan said add it all. I am glad he did at least listen to the letters and it reminded him of the love we shared before an IED kept part of him in Iraq. I think that it's hard to see in black and white the difference. I always knew the parts that I lost but it's almost like he is a different person.

I was feeling alone in this. I didn't know who to tell that I was feeling this way. I shared some with my good friend that lives here and she reminded me this wouldn't be easy but it's something I want to do. I really want to write this book but I am scared of failing. I am afraid people won't care to read it. I will have to go back and add things that happened that I have never shared. I think America needs to hear this though. This is what happens when a warrior comes home wounded. We were so young and freshly married and it was all ripped away.

This weekend however our friend from WRAMC came down. Overall it was a great visit. He wanted to go out on Saturday night so we headed to a local brewery. We were trying to pull up in the handicap parking spot downtwon. If I haven't mentioned it before D is a double below the knee amputee. There was a hotel shuttle sitting in the handicap space with his flashers on. I thought oh hell no this is NOT a loading zone. I waited patiently for about 10 minutes and he wouldn't move. I kindly beeped my horn and pointed to the sign. He didn't move. I asked one of the guys to go and say something. Bryan said no. I was surprised as we had an incident like this before in DC and Bryan ran off spouting his mouth at a cab driver in the handicap spot. He finally did get out and went to speak to the idiot, I mean driver of the shuttle. Bryan said hey man your parked in the handicap parking spot. He said what do you want me to do about. Bryan said move and the guy said no. Luckily Bryan kept his cool. He came back in the car and said he wouldn't move. I wish I had gotten this man's plate number before his passengers showed up and he drove off.


We went into the restaurant and it was loud and busy enough for a wait. Bryan doesn't do well in these environments so he went to ask about sitting outside. D looked at me and said as Bryan was limping off, your hanging out with two gimps tonight. I said well it's how I roll I wouldn't have it any other way. After dinner and drinks we headed to another bar that included live music. I grabbed a table while the guys went to the restroom. I once again wasn't thinking and their backs were to the crowd. D saw an open booth and asked if we could move there because he didn't like his back to the crowd. I agreed and we moved. While D and I were having a good time Bryan just sat there not speaking. He would flinch or act agitated if I talked too loud or tried to touch him. He was not having fun. He hates crowds and he just zoned out. I knew the night wouldn't be great for him but we were entertaining our friend we never get to see. I sometimes want to snap him out of it and scream for him to have fun.

Sunday we decided to go kayaking. Our guide just so happened to be retired Army of 26years and was going to Afghan soon for contract work. He also is the local chapter for the non profit Heroes on the Water. It couldn't have been a better match. He was awesome and enjoyed talking to the guys. Bryan spent a lot of the time kayaking way ahead and having some quiet time and I was OK with that. We ended up kayaking 9 miles and it was a beautiful day to be on the water and views of the mountains.

I love when our friends from WRAMC come and visit. It makes everything feel so normal and they understand what we have been through since they were there. We are so lucky to have them in our lives still.

It has been almost 4 years since Bryan was hurt. He is still in pain everyday. I wish I could take the pain from him, bear some of his load. I honestly didn't think this cronic pain would be lifelong but I am afraid it is here to stay. He usually just deals with it and he never complains. I know when he is pain as he sits and can't move and his mood will change.

This morning he was in the best mood acting silly and doing some chores around the house. Our bestfriend from Walter Reed D is coming to visit this weekend and he wanted the house to be in tip top shape. He was doing some weeding outside and that ruined him for the rest of the day. He became cranky and couldn't move. I asked what was wrong and he said his legs hurt. He has been taking pain pills again recently. Usually he just deals with the pain but I guess it has gotten too bad again. He said his knee is still causing him a great deal of pain. I hope it doesn't mean something is wrong.

I have come to accept that this is part of our life. There will be limitations and pain daily. I wanted him to be able to still be his young and active self. It is a sad reality that this is not the case. His entire foot in covered in arthritis and last year we were told to let it plateu and then have the doctor go in and remove it. It might be something we need to start looking in to.

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You truly know who you are, you know who you want in your life, and you know what you want out of life. I have come to this point at my age of 28. I have always been one of those people who was relatively satisfied with my life or situation. I was never very immature, I didn't participate in girl drama, I was comfortable in my own skin. Maybe that is why the military life worked out for me. I was able to be independent as well as dependent. I was able to get the house cleaned, yard mowed, school work completed, and work a job.

I have come to find out a lot over the past 4 years. I know what friends I want in my life and know when to get rid of those that don't "get it" or make it all about them. I know and have known that it isn't what is on my resume that makes me "somebody" it's how I help people. It isn't about how much money I make as long as I have the things I need and some of the things I want. I think that becoming a full blown grown up is hard for some people and I have to say I have come into my own. I guess the point that I am trying to get across is that I feel good about this point in my life and who I have become.

When Bryan was hurt my life was in a tailspin. I couldn't help him and I couldn't help myself. We were both just miserable. To see a 28 year old livelihood get ripped away is a tough thing to swallow. I no longer knew my purpose, I no longer knew where I was supposed to be going, or when my life would settle down. I had no timeline because I was at the hands of the Army. I didn't have a home and we were both just trying to cope. I am not saying now that I don't need to still do some work. I think life is a constant string of self-checks and readjustment. I still carry scars but for the most part I am confident in who I become.

I have the most wonderful group of friends from all different kinds of backgrounds. They all intelligent and know what it is like to face hardships at a young age. My wounded wives are the most courageous women I know. I honestly don't know where I would be without them in my life.

Life has just really taken a turn for us and I hope it continues. It's hard believing it might stay this way but it's been pretty good for a while.

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Last weekend Karie, her sister, and myself headed to Gatlinburg for the weekend. Someone that helped process her VA paperwork gave her the cabin for the weekend and it was a nice getaway. We hiked to Laural Falls on Saturday, ate lots of food, and drank some wine. Sunday we decided to go ziplining in the woods and we had a blast! We had fun zipping along and laughing when we went spinning.

I think Karie is holding up so well. I can't imagine what she is going through and I am surprised she can even get out of the bed everyday. It was so nice to spend time with her and I didn't want her to go home. It's crazy that this is the 4th time we have ever hung out together and one time was under the worst circumstances. She is a brave and amazing woman and I am proud to call her a good friend.

Here are some pictures from our trip.

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This week is no different, it has been a complete roller coaster. Sunday was my.... gasp........28th birthday. My mom came in for the weekend and we got flowers for all my hanging baskets and flower boxes. Everything looks beautiful now. Bryan got me some new Ray Bans and an accent chair for my living room. My mother couldn't head back to Nashville Sunday because of the floods. My hometown of Kingston Springs is under water. My parents body shop was spared with minor damge and my mom's condo just had water in the crawl space.

Yesterday I got word that my Dad was indeed really sick. He has been running a horrible fever over the weekend and it wouldn't go away. He had a major headache but wasn't able to get to a good hospital due the monsoon in Nashville. He got a spinal tap and they were thinking meningitis. His proteins were way high, his white blood cell count wacked out, and his calcium insanely low. I was scared. He was slurring his speech, his headache and the pressure was so bad the doctor could see it through his eyes. They put him on 8 medications and made an neurology appointment for today.

Bryan texted me yesterday and needed another doctors appointment. The third in 3 weeks. He has had a horrible cough for 4 weeks and being exposed to the sulfur fire in Iraq we never take our chances. He has another Upper Respiratory Infection, fluid in both ears, and sinus infection. Luckily the chest x-ray was clear. While he was there I got word that my nephew was born but he is 5 weeks early. There has been concern throughout the pregnancy but he is doing well for the most part. NICU stay for a little while but he is adorable.

I just wonder when will it slow down? I did get word today that my father's white blood count is back to normal and his MRI was clear. The fluid on his brain has drained off with meds for the most part. I was so scared, every girl needs her dad. Prayers have been answered and I hope he is on the mend.

The good news is that the Caregiver's Bill was signed by the President. I am so happy for those that need and deserve the help it will be so beneficial to the severely wounded families. I am also participating in a support group pilot program through the VA. The best support can be from those that have walked in your shoes. I am really excited to be a part of it. Also I have done some very interesting interviews lately. I will share more about that later.

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Half Marathon and Funeral

Throughout the past 3 years I met a good friend named Karie. She is the wife of a wounded Marine. We developed a very close relationship as our husbands were going through recovery. We shared our darkest secrets, we never abandoned one another no matter how bad it got, she was always there for me and understood exactly what I was going through. She was the go to friend when things were rough because she has been there done that. We finally met for the first time at the caregivers retreat last May in Nashville. My husband was off on one of his tagents last fourth of July and I escaped to Karie's house for the weekend. We had so much fun together and laughed until we cried.

It felt like we had been friends for most of our lives. Lately our lives have been busy and have taken slightly different paths. Yesterday morning I woke up and read a text from her that her husband died. I gasped for air and Bryan started asking what was wrong. I started crying hysterically when I told him Karie's husband had passed. I got out of bed and stood in the shower crying. I cried because she is my sister. I cried because I felt some of her pain. I cried because we have lost another hero.

Karie called me while I was driving to work and we cried together. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. I want to take her pain away. I want to fix her I want to be there to tell her she will make it through this loss too. But I can't. I will not go into the details of his death. In due time I am sure Karie will share it on her blog. I will be going to the funeral. I don't care what hoops I may have to jump to get there but I am going. I love you Karie. You are my sister and a true friend.

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I got the opportunity to interview the lead singer Jared Weeks from the amazing band Saving Abel. Listed below were my questions and his answers. Also keep an eye out shortly after their next c.d. comes out as I will be giving some away.

You have a new album coming out June 8th, 2010. Where did you draw inspiration from for the new album? “Most of the inspiration for our new album, Miss America, came from most of our life experiences, but on the road we always try to write about things people go through everyday. How else can you reach them?”

How has your life changed since coming out with your first album?
“Life has change a lot since the last album. For example, I don’t know what a “day off” is anymore…Ha! We feel very blessed for all the places we’ve gotten to experience and all of the great people we’ve got to meet.”

Your song 18 days depicts how hard it is to be away while serving your country, what motivated this song?
“The motivation for “18 Days” is simple. The love of family and friends, and a life or place we call home is simply made possible by the men and women serving this country. Having been across seas and seeing how strong these men and women are is a certain reminder of how much appreciation and respect they deserve.”

Any weird encounters with fans that you have met while on tour?
“No…nothing really stands out” It was great all around”

You guys did a USO tour in Kuwait and Iraq on March 4th, how did it feel to entertain our troops?
“It was such a great experience going to Iraq, Kuwait and Qatar to play for our troops. It was such a morale builder for the band. It definitely raised our spirits. These soldiers deserve Rock n’ Roll more than anyone.”


Did you ever have a moment where you were scared for your own safety while in Kuwait?
“I never really felt scared while we were in the middle east. We had so much security from the USO. It was a comfortable experience. Although wearing the bullet proof vest and helmet did make me wonder about certain situations. I was quickly comforted with all the rifles that were around us, but more importantly on our side. Ha! Ha!”


What spurred the USO concert in Kuwait and Iraq?
“We have always been a military supportive band. We actually wanted to be part of the experience instead of just talking about it and thanking the troops every night at the shows. So we were given the opportunity to go and personally thank the troops ourselves. It was an honor and a privilege to go and be a part of something BIG.”

Did you have any moments while meeting with the troops that particularly stand out?
“One particular moment that sticks out most to me, was when we met the 198th Calvary “Southern Steel” at Camp Spieker. Most every troop there was from Mississippi! Some were even from our hometown in Corinth, MS. Just goes to show how small a world it really is.”

Do any of you have relatives or friends in the service?
“I have 5 uncles and 3 of the 5 were in the Army. I have two brother-in-laws….one a Marine serving in Afganistan, and one is in the Army Reserve. I also have friends who have died serving and they will never be forgotten”

You will be attending the milblogging conference on April 9 and 10th are there any particular milblogs that you follow?
“I’m not so much on blogs these days only because I don’t have much time, but I am definitely trying to get into this whole Blogging/Twitter thing”

My husband was severely injured in while serving his second tour in Iraq. Have you guys ever visited any of the wounded warriors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center?
“We have visited Walter Reed a couple of times and its always an honor to give back to those who are injured from serving our country.”

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Lately I have been questioning Americans support of veterans. Our great friend from Walter Reed was featured in an article in the NY Times. I was so proud to read the article as we have always admired his strength and courage. I started to read the comments after the article and was completely disgusted and angry by most of the comments. I won't even repeat what was said but it was similar to the way Vietnam Vets were talked about. We have talked with so many Vietnam Vets and heard the horrid stories of how they were treated and I thought we were past that kind of treatment. With that being said I stated to get a taste of disgust in my mouth. I will repeat what the Wounded Warrior Project has said time and time again "It's not about the War it's about the Warrior."

However, today my faith was renewed in our Americans. I have had 3 sinus infections, bronchitis, and an upper respiratory infection since December. I have dealt with this all my life and I was headed to the Allergist once again. I was poked with 130 toothpicks with serum on my back and injected with 15 needles in my arm. I am allergic to Trees, Pollen, Mold, and Dust mites. The shellfish that showed up as a moderate allergy at my Endocrinologist didn't show up today. He told me to stay away from it since it did show up on my blood test. I was hoping to continue to eat it. I am also not allergic to my dog, which makes me very happy. As the Doctor and I were wrapping up our discussion of allergy shots and bee shots he asked if my husband was in the military. I replied that he was retired. He looked a bit confused since we are younger. I said he is medically retired. He asked what happened and I told him he was blown up in Iraq. He asked what his injuries were and I rattled them all out.

He stated that a colleague of his has a son that has a TBI and told me of his struggles. I asked the doctor to share my information with him as we would love to know other people in our situation and share some information. He then asked if we had family around and I told him they live in Nashville and around St. Louis. He asked if we had considered moving around family so we could have some more support and I said we had. Then he moved on to asking what I do. I replied I was a nanny and I am taking a break from Social Work. He wanted to know then how much my co-pay was and I told him $12.00. He said that he would cover it. I will be coming to get shots twice a week for 3 to 5 years and possibly forever depending on how severe the bee allergy is. He said he wanted to take care of it after all we have been through.

As I was checking out at the front desk the Doctor told the receptionist that he was covering my co pays. He said because of my husband's great sacrifice to this country. At this point it was everything I could do to keep my composure. They asked if he was in the military. I said yes he was but he was injured in Iraq and the tears started to flow. I said I don't know why I am crying it's been almost 4 years. They refunded my co-pay and handed me some tissues. They started crying with me.

I got in my car after thanking them profusely and cried my eyes out. I am so thankful that people recognize our veterans. I am so thankful to be married to someone who has made such a sacrifice for our country. I have renewed faith that everything is going to be OK and we are supported. Thank you Doctor!

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My husband cracks under pressure. I am the one to order the food at the restaurant, pay the bill, drive us where we need to go. Sometimes it gets really old. Friday night we were eating at a Mexican restaurant. We both looked at our menus, closed them, and Bryan said "want to get the the same thing we always do?" I said "yes." When the server came around to take our order I had just stuffed some chips and queso in my mouth so I motioned for him to order. We always share chicken fajitas. The server asked what we wanted and he just stared at me. I am waiting for him to order, he stares some more. Finally with this confused look at his face he says "enchiladas?" I shook my head. He has never eaten enchiladas. I said chicken fajitas with a touch of frustration.

We went to look at plants on Saturday for the yard. I had him call the guy to get directions and see what time we could go. He didn't know what to ask when he called and started to stutter. I said ask if we can come by today and get directions. Finally 10 minutes later he got half of the directions and couldn't remember the rest. When we arrived Bryan let me talk to the guy and tell him what we were looking for. Two hours later it was time to pick out what we wanted and Bryan couldn't make a decision. I needed to go to the restroom and he was just sitting there and had no idea what he wanted to get. I finally made the decision and we got out of there. I can make quick decisions and he can not. We have been talking about the plants we wanted to buy for almost 3 years and when it comes time to get them he had no idea what he wanted.

I sometimes want Bryan to take charge. I don't want to settle the bill, drive ourselves to a date, make all the decisions. We were a little snippy at each other yesterday but by the end of the day we had a tickle fest and ended it on a good note. I guess I just need to be OK with making all the decisions.

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