Hi girls I'm pretty new to this all and could use a little advice cause I think I'm in way over my head

My fiance joined the air force now a little over two years ago to change his life and better himself from the rather dead end lifestyle while finishing up at college. He's been my best friend for almost 6 years now and before he joined I was the one who came and got him or stopped him when he went overboard with the drinking. We ended up becoming a couple right after he finished basic and pretty much got engaged three months later while he was still finishing all his training in TX.

While he did change and mature in someways, the drinking thing was still an issue for awhile when he was in texas and while we did talk about it and he wasn't as bad as before it was still a deal when he first got stationed at Hickam AFB and we had some big blowouts over his drinking habits to a point where I called off the engagement I was so upset. I know I can't control his drinking, he's a grown man in the military after all, but we also worked out about how I feel about him drinking so much and he was doing okay for awhile and keeping it balanced.

Over the past couple months though, he's been doing the heavy drinking again more often and when I brought it up he just apologizes and says things about how "oh we're young and we're supposed to make stupid choices and sometimes get carried away," or giving me the "that's why I need you around to keep me in check," and he doesn't get why I get upset when he does this after we have countless discussions.

He was just home during June on a short leave and we finally booked our date for this fall, but over the past two weeks alone since he's gone back to his base I've been more and more on edge about him. This past week alone he's gone out to the same bar with the same group of guys that he knows he over does it with, and we already had a big issue over a blackout night he had earlier in the week. Now last night he told me him and his buddies were going easy and watching the UFC fights and doing a big bbq at the house and this morning I woke up and logged onto facebook to do my work's daily promos on their page and the first things I see are status' from him about going to the bar and it being crazy and a bunch of pics with him tagged in them with a few girls and looking a bit on the buzzed side.

He also by accident slipped up and fussed up the other day that this deployment he may be looking at sometime next year is on a volunteer basis not one he's assigned to like he originally told me. While I know it's part of the job, I knew if it was assigned right after we got married I can't do anything but hold strong and adjust on my own, but  I also told him from the start if he wants to ask to be deployed we should wait to get married until after his last two years. I'm moving and leaving everything in NY to go be with him and I'm not okay with knowing after I do this he plans on up and going to play gi joe and leave me to deal with adjusting to everything on my own.

I'm so tired of this constant battle with the drinking and him just saying "oh I'm sorry" and being told "that's why I need you" and this deploying thing really has thrown me for a loop. I want to be marrying him because I love him completely, I do, but this is really feeling like I'm out of my league and I don't know how to handle it. I know this is long winded and all but is there any advice?

Honestly I would call it off, it is hard and will probably break your heart but do you honestly want to? Especially since if you join him it will be all out of your own pocket as the military will not pay for you to get there and possible deployment. If you are asking the question then that means you can know the answer.

Often, as women, we feel that we can change them, we can make them better, and we can to a point but then they need to do it on their own. This is one of those cases. You can't help him anymore, he has to want to help himself and that will mean admitting he has a problem. Yes you can make stupid choices in your life whether you are young or old, BUT that doesn't mean you should do something you know is wrong on purpose either.

You can't rely on always having someone else around to "keep you in check". That just is not very mature in my book. He may have made some strides in that area but apparently hasn't done well.

If you are asking on a public forum whether or not you should marry him, you have your answer already in mind probably. You need to do what is best for you and not what is best for him. He will put the guilt trip on you for sure, but you can't save him. He has to want to save himself and do something about it. He'll only end up dragging you down with him.

I wouldn't say you absolutely need to walk away, but I would not marry him.

I wouldn't marry him either until he got his drinking under control. He doesn't sound like he's ready for marriage if he is saying that he's young and is supposed to be making stupid choices. So we know how you feel about marriage, what is he saying about it? Sounds to me he needs a therapist and he wants that therapist to be you.

I completely agree with the other ladies. I know it will be hard since he was also your best friend for so long but in the end it's better to go through that pain now and come out strong than if you got married, moved far away or had kids with him and things never got better or got worse. You could still remain friends with him and who knows what the future holds.

Problem drinking is a tricky issue. It sounds like he has a "boys will be boys" attitude about his own life, and he is not ready to fully understand how his choices affect you. He may be a wonderful man in many other ways, and you certainly don't want to make a decision you will regret. But, to be perfectly honest, it sounds like maybe neither of you are really ready for marriage. If I were you, I might consider postponing the wedding bells. I know you have known him for a long time, and everyone has their own timeline when it comes to each unique relationship, but perhaps this is an instance where you need to spend a bit more time learning how to be in a romantic relationship with each other (instead of just friends) before the wedding day. Making the jump from friends to lovers can feel natural in a lot of ways, but it also changes a lot about how you relate to each other, and sometimes it takes time to figure that all out. I agree with other commenters that perhaps he needs a counselor, but that is definitely a difficult thing to suggest to someone, unless they are ready to hear it. Maybe you could suggest couples counseling? I am a firm believer in seeking professional help to learn more about your relationship. It might help you both talk through these problems without fighting, and could help you find a more concrete answer to whether he is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Good luck!

You need to ask yourself, what if once we are married he still wants to act this way? Can I handle it, do I want to handle it? Is this how you want to live your life? What about kids do you want them to grow up with a dad that might still act like this when they come?

Personally not knowing anymore about your relationship than what you just posted, I would at least put the wedding off for a while. Figure out if he is just young or if there maybe more to his drinking than making stupid choices. Nothing says you have to get married this fall. Me and my DH put our wedding off for almost 4 years because we decided there were issues that needed to be worked on first. And honestly that was probably the best thing we could have done for our relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You cannot change his drinking habits. Only he can do that, and only if HE wants to - not because someone else wants him to. You need to decide if his current habits are something you can live with "for better or for worse." If you can't, you should seriously reconsider marrying him at this point in time. I'm not saying rule it out forever, but don't go into a marriage expecting him to change.

Wjay do you consider heavy drinking? Like he's going out with his buddies at weekends and getting drunk or he's drinking every single night? For me that would make a difference in how I reacted. I am not saying binge drinking on the weekend is a good idea but I know I went through my crazy party phrase and my friends and I would go out and party every weekend. I definitely didn't feel like I had a drinking problem.. It does however sound like he isn't ready to settle down and get married though.