Is this ever a defense? For behavior, habits, personal appearance, beliefs, morals, etc?

Are there times when you really have to overlook things because you knew what you were getting into? Or is it reasonable to expect a person to change? Or should those changes have happened BEFORE signing papers?

Any exceptions or dealbreakers for you in particular?

Are there times when you really have to overlook things because you knew what you were getting into? Or is it reasonable to expect a person to change? Or should those changes have happened BEFORE signing papers?

If there is something you didn't like about who you're with... you should have worked that out before you said vows IMO.

Do people change? Maybe. If they want to. But I've rarely seen it. And I've never seen someone change because their S/O wanted them to.

I joke with J all the time about my need to have everything just right and my OCD. But in all honesty, he has never said that there is anything he would change about me and while there are things that I would change in him they are not things that were there in the beginning. They are changes brought around by PTSD and the effects of war. I've had to accept that he is never going to change back.

Only deal breaker I can think of would be abuse or cheating (repeatedly. Once, I might be able to forgive. Twice+ heck no.)

jimmy is perfect so I dont have to worry about this... lol jk

Are there times when you really have to overlook things because you knew what you were getting into?

yes there are things that drive me kind of batty but long before I decided to marry the man who drives me nuts I decided to accept everything about him, the good, the bad, the scary. Honestly that stuff doesnt even bother me anymore (ok i am lying but I like to tell myself that) I just have to smile and shake my head and think "oh I love this man" because sometimes that is the only way to get through it

this is for little things though like when jimmy washed all of the throw rugs in the house together so that they all turned a nice shade of light green i knew when I married him that he should not be allowed near a washing machine and after 34 years of washing everything together and not seperating clothes I dont expect him to change. I have accepted that I will never purposefully let him do laundry.

on the other hand if it is a big thing such as alcohol abuse, physical abuse etc. I wouldnt have married him if he had problems like this unresovled.I know people who have though hoping they would change and most of the time they dont get the change they so want. I think with big things people need to change BEFORE the marriage.

Yup! I believe that when you marry someone you accept them how they are for better or worse. If you are aware of certain traits before marriage, you have to accept IMO thatthis is the way that person is and will probably be forever. I mean you certainly can discuss changes that you can make together for different reasons, but i do think its fair to say "you knew this about me before you married me". DH knows I'm high strung and get stressed out easily and I'm a control freak. He doesnt LOVE these traits, but he knows thats who I am. I know DH is SUPER forgetful, very lazy sometimes, can be really selfish and hates sticking to a plan. I dont LOVE these traits, but I accept them.

IMO you shouldn't be with someone you want to change in a major way. Most of the time it doesn't work. Small changes like DH is a slob and I am not so I have to leave his little "man space" alone, but he has to pick up after himself in the living areas. Its all about compromise. I have quirks that DH hates as he has some as well. Its funny we were having a difference of opinion and I said "I was like this before we got married you have known for 6 years this is the way I am"

I do, too. People don't change, at least not major changes. For example, DH has learned how to zip all the zippers in his flightsuit so that stuff doesn't get torn up in the dryer, but I'm never going to ask him to change his personality. I'm OCD and ADHD. It drives DH CRAZY but there's nothing he can do about it even if he wanted to. He just learned while we were dating to turn it into a joke and see how close to perfect he could make something. When you marry someone, you marry all of them (and their family). Like it or not, you should know that that's what they come with and you need to learn to accept it if you hadn't before you got married.

For behavior, habits, personal appearance: these are things that can easily be addressed. Maybe you didn't mind that you did all the cleaning and picking up around the house when you were newly-weds. When you start to have a family, it would not be unreasonable to request that DH, or whomever, put their clothes in the hamper instead of the floor to help you out Or if they don't seem to dress appropriately for important functions, you can work these that out. As a spouse, you can't say "Oh this is how I am and this it." That's not compromise. Both parties have to be willing to see the other side and change what they can to address what is upsetting the other partner.

beliefs, morals, etc? No, these will never change. These are things you should have inquired about when dating. Why would you marry someone with conflicting morals or beliefs. Those are core to how anyone lives their life and makes decisions. You should have no illusion about these ever changing.

As for medical conditions, that's not even reasonable to ask someone to change that as they can't help it. You work together to overcome them.

HisWifey, thats funny how you mention clothes. Because that's how my husband is, no matter what event we are going to he always dresses the same. And he HAS suits/nice clothes he just doesn't wear them. Lol

Ok, so let me dig a little deeper. If the shoe was on the other foot, and your DH wanted you to do something different, didnt like whatever about you...however you want to word it, would you tell him to shove it? Esp since you ladies are saying that you wouldnt try to change him, so what if he asks you to change?

And it could be simple things like not going to the club, how you handle your finances, wearing your hair different, losing/gaining weight, personality traits, anything.

It depends on what it is. For example if he likes a different clothing style than what I normally wear I could compromise. I wont completley give up my style, but I want my hubby to think his wife is a hottie so I would make an effort to wear what I know he likes more often. Same with my hair, in fact I have done this. I have curly hair and its much easier to take care of short, but DH likes it long (and it is way more pretty when its long Im just lazy) so it is currently really long.

As for going to the "club" Hubs and I had to deal with this one too. I don't like clubbing, but I do like to go line dancing and I like to have a girls night out for this every once in a while. He doesn't really like it so I respect his feelings on it and again we compromise. I rarely go and if I do go out without him I don't drink. If he is deployed then I don't go at all.

My personality is who I am I don't really think I could change it if I wanted...but who would want to. I would be very offended because here I have thought all this time he loved me for me.

Ok, so let me dig a little deeper. If the shoe was on the other foot, and your DH wanted you to do something different, didnt like whatever about you...however you want to word it, would you tell him to shove it? Esp since you ladies are saying that you wouldnt try to change him, so what if he asks you to change?

And it could be simple things like not going to the club, how you handle your finances, wearing your hair different, losing/gaining weight, personality traits, anything.

ok so jimmy used to wish I was more fun and went to clubs more. so I would to make him happy because that is something he likes to do and we compromise. handling finances is something that is ever changing so we have both changed in that respect since our financial situation has changed, hair he could care less about but if he really wanted me to try a hair style I probably would. weight I would tell him to shove it probably. he says he thinks i look hot no matter what but if i ever got past my fattest 160 then to tell me nicely i need to go on a diet, personality traits I would tell him he knew when he married me. i guess it depends on what it is.

not going to the club

I don't go to clubs, but I do go out with the girls. If J didn't like it, we'd have a talk because I am a very social person and I have to go out every now and then otherwise I get down. I don't like sitting around the house all the time. J is a very anti-social person. So we've compromised and I go out a week or two a month and I don't expect him to take me out. lol

ow you handle your finances,

This one is also no problem because we agree on money/finances. I am proud to say that in 11 years together we've never argued about money.

wearing your hair different, losing/gaining weight, personality traits, anything.

J likes my hair long and straight. My hair is naturally curly. I don't mind straightening it, but every now and then I like cutting it. So, sometimes I cut it just not super short. Its a compromise, although to me its not a big deal so it doesn't upset me.

Weight.... he's never said anything about my weight.

Personality goes back to the clubbing thing.

If J was dogging on me all the time to change it would really bother me. And it'd probably cause issues in our marriage. I respect him and accept the things in him that I don't particularly like and I expect the same respect in return.

DH has never asked me to do anything to change. There are things that I chose to change for him. Like when we first started dating I liked going to bars and clubs he didn't. Once we decided to get serious I decided that going to bars and clubs every weekend was not appropriate for me to do since I was no longer single. DH hates going to bars and clubs but every once in a while he will take me because he knows I enjoy doing it. I also have girls nights and when I go visit my cousin or he comes and visits me I go out with him.

Well for us its a little different. I did ask my DH to change before we married and he did, but he knew that him changing was a condition of us marrying. When we first met, DH was a Christmas/Easter chuch goer. I on the other hand am more religious and go to church every Sunday. And even thoug we are both Catholic, DH was raised Novus Ordo, and I was raised Traditional (more strict). So when I met DH and we got serious, I told him that I thought he was a great guy, someone I could see myself with and starting a family with, but only if he got more involved in his faith and started attending Traditional Latin Mass every Sunday, because I didn't want all the marital issues of two different religious views.

Now that we are married, though we don't really try to change each other on teh big things - personality, morals, beliefs, etc. There are the little things, eg. I am still trying to get him to learn that the living room is not a laundry basket, etc. As for weight/ clothing style/ hair style. We try to accomodate each other's preferences. Its all about compromise, eg I dress in clothes he likes on me if he dresses in "new" jeans (not the old baggy jeans he has had since high school that he thinks are still acceptable to wear. I keep trying to tell him that high school punk is no longer an acceptable look for a 27 year lawyer).

I think agree that once you say " I do" you are in it for the long haul and are stuck with the good, bad, endearing, and annoying traits of the person you married. If you loved them enough to say forever, why would you try to change the big things that you fell in love with in the first palce?

[I posted about this in Whine & Cheese, so I wont go into deep detail on everything].

This has been a bit of a problem for DH and me. I would never dream of asking DH to change, I believe that if you love someone, you love all of them. DH has asked me to change, although this change is something that will eventually have to come about, and I am working on it, it is still very hard on us. I have very bad insomnia, most night I am up until 2-3am, sometimes I dont even go to sleep [like last night ]. When I work, I can usually keep a regular schedule, but when I am unemployed, it is very hard. Also have OCD/general anxiety, depression and ADHD. Ive been this way my whole life, actually lost a job once because of my insomnia and ADHD [insomnia is at least partially caused by my ADHD, my brain just wont shut off at night so I can sleep]. When I stay up late, or all night, I end up sleeping well into the afternoon, and occasionally the evening, and DH hates this, he says he never sees me, its doesnt feel like we are married. And it is just so hard on me because I honestly cant help it, insomnia runs in my family, I was talking to my grandpa recently and he told me his mom had really bad insomnia, she just couldnt sleep most nights, like, at all, and my mom has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. And Im a people pleaser, so him being upset about this and me not being able to fix it just makes it even harder on me.

DH knew about all this before we got married, and it just kinda bothers me, because he told me that he thought in marrying me he could change me, 'fix' me. And I told him that he shouldnt have wanted to do that in the first place, you dont marry people to change them.

Clothing, hair, DH could care less about, although there are a few times we have disagreed on this. My family thinks nice jeans and nice shirt is appropriate for a wedding, DHs family thinks suit and tie, the whole thing is what should be worn to weddings. I had never been to a wedding before I met DH where anyone outside of the wedding party wore a suit.

Piercings and tattoos are somethings we really disagree on. DH wishes I didnt have any tattoos, and just ear lobes pierced. I have 4 tattoos, and 13 piercings, 3 in each ear lobe, 2 helix and conch in right ear, snug in left ear, snakebites and belly button. DH says he might get one tattoo, eventually, I plan on getting 2-4 more, and 2-4 more piercings as well. I have loved tattoos and piercings since I was a kid and have always wanted them, my dad has 4 tattoos, and I dont think they are a big deal, but DH does. What kinda sucks, and shows how bad my OCD is, is that I have to have an even number, or 'okay' number of tattoos and piercings, and equal number on both sides, and my future tattoos and piercings are planned out so they are 'okay'. My total number of tattoos will be 6-8, and piercings will be 15-17, only reason it is odd number is because my belly button is pierced, and is in the center and therefore nuetral.

DH always wanted me to lose weight back to where I was when we first met. He forgets that I just started eating after being borderline anorexic. Now I have a medical condition to where I HAVE to lose weight, and he keeps saying "you need to do this, or that to keep it up. I have lost 15 pounds thank you very much!

Ashleigh - maybe you should temind your DH about your past, and tell him you are working on it, but us chicks can't lose weight as quickly as most guys. And if he's still bothering you, Id tell him to shut it, lol! Losing 15 pounds is an acomplishment!

Well, I think there are some things that you do have to take in consideration about your mate... like did he cheat on you while you were dating? Then yeah, if you busted him then and there was no change, I wouldnt expect things to be too different just because you got married. But some things can change. Like once you are married, you are obligated to compromise and make joint decision that you didnt have to when you were dating.

Two different problems or levels of requests (for lack of better description) are in this. Clubs and finances are a big deal. When you're out at a club a spouse(especially if they are not present) has to consider your well being and of course the obvious random flirt who's attracted to their spouse. If it's a problem with your spouse, then don't go. Why would going clubbing be more important than your marriage? However, if they are irrationally possessive and controlling that's a whole different issue, but many spouses would probably prefer that their spouse not be in a singles club.
Finances. Couples throughout history have always fought about money. Now that you are married your debt is shared. If one of the two is not responsible with their money it's understandable that the other spouse would want to address that and change it. Good communication can resolve this. Set limits, make a budget and make a plan for big purchases. You are a team and should work TOGETHER to support your household. If you have a "mine is mine, yours is yours" attitude, you will have a rough marriage all around.

How you do your hair or dress, is trivial, unless it's matter of self respect or relgious differences If they want you to dress up fancier or they liked your hair a certain way, I would listen. If I dyed my hair purple DH would not be happy at all. He would not be seen in public with me that way. Don't you do your hair and dress so that you look nice for your spouse and to feel good about yourself? Well, if your spouse expresses that they prefer something different wouldn't you try to make choice more in line with what they like?

I think hair and physical stuff is something you would figure out early on in dating. I wouldn't date a guy with a zillion piercings because I just don't like it. I would never tell or try to change someone like that. It's too different of a style than what I like. But, there are little things you can or should just overlook because in the long run, you didn't marry clothing. You married a person. I wouldn't be rude about addresssing my spouse or responding to his requests. You are a couple. You just don't write each other off when you have differences.

I tell that to my husband every time he gets on my case about how un-adventurous I am with food...LOL. I have a little bit of OCD in terms of what I will and won't eat, and what food groups can touch and which have to stay separated. Yes, it's bizarre, and to my foodie husband, it drives him up the wall, especially since he loves super-exotic food...but, in my defense, he knew about all my food issues before we got married, and he DID vow "for better or worse"...so he's stuck! LOL However, since we got married, I've been working on trying new foods and being more open, and I think I'm making pretty good progress so far.

When it's something small like my food issue, I don't think it's a big deal, but if it's something huge (like disrespect, wandering eyes, flirting, laziness, etc) that's having a big impact on your marriage and your daily quality of life, it becomes time to say, "Just because I knew about it doesn't mean I think it's okay, so what are we going to do to fix it?"