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My husband's body is filled with shrapnel. I think I have mentioned it before but his entire right thigh on the backside looks like pepper flakes were sprinkled all over his skin, he also has it in his wrist, and lower leg. He also has a huge chunk behind his knee cap. The doctors will not take it out as it would cause more damage but some does come out on it's own. We know that Iraqi's throw nails, concrete, scrap metal, and all kinds of horrid material into IEDs and therefore that is what is in my husbands body.

With that being said I got a call yesterday from Bryan's case manager at the VA in Johnson City. She was calling in to do her monthly check up and to ask it Bryan has shrapnel in his body. I explained that he had a lot in his body and she said there has been some specific questions that have filtered down from Washington that need to be answered. She asked Bryan to call and surprisingly he did call her. She asked a few questions and said that he needed to complete a 24 hour urinalysis. However they will not mail the container so that means a trip to Johnson City (4 hour round trip) and return the next day with the urine. He doesn't want to go there two days in a row. He is going there in a couple more weeks for the inserts for his shoes so hopefully he can get the container then and complete the test before he goes there the next time.

I am nervous about this as a wounded warrior wife friend of mine said that her husband's doctor mentioned there could be depleted uranium in the shrapnel and can make our warriors sick. I also read this article on the VA's website.

Toxic Embedded Fragments: Toxic Embedded Fragment Surveillance Center

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My husband got up at 5:45 a.m. on his day off was on the road by 6:15 for his VA appointment at 9:00 in Johnson City. He arrived on time and ready to actually get his orthotics this time. I called him when his appointment was complete to see how it went. Well the employees didn't know how to clean the machine that makes the orthotics! Last time they didn't even have the machine this time they don't know how to clean it. It was another complete and utter waste of time. He will go back in a month on his day off from work for an earlier 8:00 a.m. appointment. How frustrating! I feel so bad for him someone needs to learn how to do their job!

Another thing that has gotten on my last nerve is our master shower. The whole thing was torn out and rebuilt for the second time. It was complete the beginning of January and we were waiting on the shower door. They had to remake it since the new tiles were put in properly so the new door wouldn't fit. They came out and measured it and ordered the pieces months ago. The first door showed up to the warehouse with the door installed backwards. They reordered the correct one then they came to install it and they were missing an angled piece. They said they would overnight the piece two weeks ago and Saturday they said they were going to install it. They never showed and the manager didn't know where the installer was and why he didn't show up. Frankly I am so tired of dealing with all of this. We have lived here 2 1/2 years and showered in our Master Bath about 4 months total.

Enough of my ranting we had a really good weekend overall. Something happened in the laundry room yesterday when Bryan was changing out his laundry and kicked off his shoes and threw a little fit. He didn't tell me what happened so I ignored him until he was done pouting. Other than that it was great! We worked hard in the yard on Saturday. I learned how to use the chainsaw and helped him saw tress and we burned them. Saturday night we met friends for dinner and had a wii game night here. Sunday I went to church (Bryan refused to go even with peer pressure), he met us for lunch, and then we ran some errands. He actually wanted to run errands with me and even got out in the cold to pump my gas.

I am heading to DC next week to visit friends! I am so excited! Bryan and Trix will have to survive without me.

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Things has still been great around here. I truly can't believe the difference. Bryan has been much more connected and a problem he has since he got hurt is no longer an issue. I will spare you the details but I will say it's made me very happy. Bryan did have more appointments at the VA clinic with his regular doctor and his psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. They upped his Welbutrin again and I think that is a good idea as long as they never put him on Zoloft again.

I spent last weekend in Nashville with my sister. We went to see the Black Eyed Peas concert and we had a blast. We spent Saturday with my nephew and mom and then I met my dad Sunday morning for brunch at the Opryland Hotel. It was a great weekend. I got home around 4:30 on Sunday as it was Valentine's Day and Bryan had a dozen fuchsia roses, a spa gift certificate for me, and we made fondue at home. It was a really great night and he even helped clean up the dishes.

Even though things are great Bryan still struggles in some areas. One thing I probably haven't mentioned before is that Bryan does not sleep in our bed. He sleeps downstairs in the recliner every night. Sometimes he sleeps really good until 4 a.m. and then he will try to come to bed only to not sleep. I think Bryan's legs do better being propped up. While not sleeping in the same bed might be devastating for some married couples for us this is the norm. If he can get sleep we will do whatever it takes. When Bryan was in Iraq I would have done anything to have him sleeping safe and sound in our bed. I would love to have him in the bed but he doesn't rest there at all. I can make that sacrifice for him to get sleep.

Bryan has been doing really well with his impulse control but he did slip up when I was out of town. This is a side affect of his frontal lobe Traumatic Brain Injury. He took a large chunk of money out of savings for my Valentine's Present. It is really sweet that he got me such a nice gift but he should have charged it to the debit card. I also gave him the credit card so that he could rent the drill hammer from Lowe's to chip up the floor leveler in the basement that didn't work as planned. He didn't rent it but went to the Tanger Outlets to return some things and ended up charging 400 dollars worth of clothes at Banana Republic. I never spend that much money at once on clothes and I was upset that he did this. I didn't get into it on Valentine's Day when I got home but I did address the issue. He said he didn't look at the price tags and some of the shirts he got were $70.00 a piece. He said he was going to return them. I think we will do that today. He has always been impulsive when I am out of town. I am not sure why but that is when it happens. I hope that he can get back on track with this.

I am praying that the good things that are happening, continue. It's really hard for someone that deals with PTSD and TBI everyday to relish when things are good. I am always scared he is going to come home one day and the bottom will drop out. Bryan is extremely superstitious and maybe I am becoming that way as well cause I don't even want to talk about it as it might jinx it. For now though, I am going to try to be less cautious and truly enjoy it.

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Everyday I climb a mountain. Sometimes I am unable to reach the top, some days I have to go around it, and some days I have to go through it. My mom and I talked about this yesterday and it was very interesting. At the present moment I am at the top of the mountain. We had a good weekend and did something I wanted to do (See Dear John) and do something he wanted (go to the range). I have to admit that Dear John made me emotional and afterwards made me mad.

We were very similar to the couple in the movie in the beginning of the movie. We wrote so many letters back and forth throughout the first deployment. I also kept a journal everyday and after the first 6 months I mailed it to him and then started one for the last 6 months. We were madly in love. My husband would wait for hours and hours in line to talk to me on holidays and he called me above anyone else. He would have my mom order flowers for me from him and we also kept audio recordings for each other and mailed them back in forth. I would video tape our house, as he didn't get to see it until he came home on mid tour and I mailed them to him. I kept every single letter as did he. Then during the second deployment the communication was better but he called every chance he got. It was usually after his mission and I knew he was safe for one more day.....

After the movie I started reflecting on how disconnected Bryan is now. How he doesn't call me if he has a free moment, he ignores his parents calls, he just tries to avoid communication at all costs. I talked with him about how I was feeling and I guess he reflected on what I said because the rest of the weekend was amazing. I texted him that I loved him today and I got one back. That is pretty rare for him. We will see how he is after work because that usually brings him down. As for today and right now I will relish in being on top of the mountain.

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A week ago today Bryan had an appointment at the VA in Johnson City for orthodics. Bryan hasn't had any made since his feet were really swollen and I was hoping it would help with the heel pain so I asked his doc to make the appointment. He left rather early as it is a two hour drive. You have to be there 30 minutes early to check in so he was there on time and ready. He gets in to see the doctor and they said oh we don't have the machine to make orthodics here, it will be here in 6 weeks. Are you flipping kidding me? Why would they make the appointment for him to come up there if they don't even have the machine.

They said they would give him some temporary inserts and he could come back in 6 weeks. They are like souped up ones you would buy from Walmart. Since he has to drive so far the VA pays him milegage for driving there. It's roughly 75 dollars per trip so they wasted that money and made an appointment that was completely useless. Bryan was very upset and I wasn't there to know if he completely lost his shit on them. He wasted an entire day off work for an appointment that didn't help him at all. When is the right hand going to start talking to the left hand?

In better news Bryan's stop loss compensation was approved today. They were going to make the end date the date he left country but he explained that he was blown up and had to extend in order to complete a medcial board. Therefore they used the date that he had to extend for the med board. We got 9 months worth of compensation which we are greatful for, however he was extended almost 2 years past his ETS because he was blown up.Oh well we will make good use of the compensation and are thankful for it in this economy but it doesn't make up for the fact that he lives his life in pain because of the stop loss.

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We headed out to Windham, NY last week for an adaptive ski trip. When we arrived we had a few hours to kill before the last flight came in. While sitting in a conference room at the airport we got to know some of the other wounded warriors. Everyone was really friendly and I was looking forward to seeing my friend again that told me about the TBI treatment and that was on the alumni caregivers retreat with me. MTV was there filming us and we had a police escort to the hotel. The FDNY was there and they are always so caring and generous with their time.

The first day of skiing we met our instructors and headed down the mountain. It was great because I could ski every run there and my instructor and I just free skied. Bryan did really well and at the end of the day we did a couple of runs together. He has definitely mastered the mono ski. I also skied a black diamond!

That night we headed to a dinner at a local church. This just explains how out there my husband can be at times. He got a beer at the bar while we were waiting on the shuttle to take us to the church. He takes the beer on the shuttle and we drive the half a mile down the road to the church. Then he tries to walk into the church with the beer. The older Vets that were there were like buddy this is a church you can't bring a beer in here. What was he thinking????? He normally doesn't even drink so that is what makes this even stranger.

The next day we skied together most of the day. Bryan decided to ski in the NASTAR race course and the terrain park. He goes over the first smaller jump in the terrain park and landed it safely. Then he hits the next jump and gets major air. Every single one of us were thinking "Oh SHIT". We could see the whites of his eyes and he launches 9 feet into the air. We see the back of the ski pointed down and the tip way up. We were all thinking he wasn't going to land it. Some how he straightened the ski out and landed it. He managed to stop right before going over the biggest jump. I, of course, didn't have my camera on me so I didn't get a video of this. He said he would do it again the next day. We were all praying he wouldn't. Here is a picture of Bryan doing the NASTAR Race.

We were getting close to doing our last run of the day when we headed to the "C" lift to go up for our last long run. This lift is an older lift and has a very short time where it goes slow before it speeds up really fast. I skied up a little to far and my instructor had already gotten on the lift. Then it sped up. I reached my arm around to grab the chair so it wouldn't take my feet out from under me and I whacked my arm hard on the chair. It is medal and of course I hit the lower bar without a rounded edge. I hit it so hard I couldn't say anything. I hit it right above my elbow on the bone. We get to the top of the lift and get off. I pulled up my jacket, which mind you wasn't cut, and looked at the damage. My skin had about an inch long crack. They all said ouch that looks horrible and it was instantly bruised. I skied the rest of the run and headed to the adaptive sports lodge. I pulled my sleeve up to show our friends Kenny and Linda and instantly I had like 4 people on me trying to help.

Bryan's instructor decided that squirting 3 pumps of hand sanitizer in it was a good idea. I on the other hand wanted to scream a slew of expletives. The doctor there said she had peroxide and would have used that instead of hand sanitizer. Thank you that is what I was thinking! They needed some steri strips to avoid stitches. Unfortunately we didn't get the strips till hous later so it was too late from getting a nasty scar. Oh well it was a good story and a scar I will remember I got while having fun.

Later that night we headed to the Brandywine restaurant where fun times were had by all. We had open bar which lead to shots, wine, and dancing. It was a blast! It definitely helped the arm feel better.

The last day we skied for about 2 and a half hours before we boarded the plane. Bryan did that NASTAR race again and got a silver medal. That is apparently very hard to do especially on a mono ski so he was stoked. Here is a video of him skiing the course.

We were sad to leave but my legs needed a break. Thank you so much Adaptive Sport Foundation, Wounded Warrior Project, DSUSA, all the volunteers, and everyone who made this happen.

A big bummer was I came home with the flu and was out of commission for two days. No fun!

Often times through this journey I see bits and pieces of my old husband. He comes back to me but usually only for a short while. In the past month he has been here with be at almost all times. I have so much peace and feel that this treatment helped more than we will ever know. He has been helpful, engaging, and productive.

Thursday night he came home from work to say that BB King was going to be here Friday night and he wanted to go. It is so hard normally to get Bryan out of the house so if he wants to do something than I leap at the opportunity. Mind you that I also love BB King but that is beside the point. I called Friday and got us tickets. We were lucky to get any at all as it was last minute and he is a legend. I also got a gift certificate for my favorite spa here and spent Friday morning getting a massage, facial, and pedicure. Thanks Dad and Susan!

We got there and thankfully I was able to get an aisle seat but there still wasn't enough room for him to stretch out his right leg. We talked with the usher and they were very kind about getting the seats moved and also telling us the code word to use next time we book tickets so that he can have a handicap seat. I had asked for one when I called but they said they didn't have any. The concert was amazing and I was thankful to see Mr. King again. My mom, sister, and myself were at BB Kings blues bar in Nashville one night when he showed up and played for everyone. I would love to know more about his history and how he became famous for singing the blues.

He has diabetes and fights the pain and issues that stem from it to come out and play. It was hilarious when there was some feedback from his guitar Lucille and he pointed at her and acted like she had been drinking. He has a great sense of humor at 84. I hope to see him again one day if he comes around but thankful that I got to see him as I am sure his days are numbered. He also played way over his alloted time and that just proves that he loves what he does. I love the blues and it was such a great night.

On Saturday Bryan asked if my friend, her husband, and their son would like to come over for dinner and to play the wii. He has become friends with her husband and I am very happy that they get along. They also got a new puppy as they lost their 3 precious dogs when their house burnt. Their puppy is adorable and Trixie had a blast playing with him. We had fun playing wii tennis and bowling with them. Overall it was just a great night. It is amazing that Bryan now wants to have people over and has a good time while they are here. I think he has trouble making friends simply because he doesn't know what to talk about or no one will understand what he has been through. I know a lot of other wounded warriors have this problem too.

This morning I started my new job. I am no longer working where I was before because the program just couldn't get started. It is really hard for me to sit there and have no purpose I think this job is a much better fit. I am excited for the opportunity and will hopefully make a difference in their lives. Now Bryan and I are going to see Avatar at the IMAX. He has been wanting to see it but I am not too keen on sci fi movies. I have heard great reviews so we will go see it. I like the idea, however of the paralyzed Marine being able to walk again due to this new world he is in. Now if we could only get that to happen in real life it would be amazing. I read People Magazine last night and was happy to see a segment on soldiers that are soon deploying to Afghanistan. They were mostly very young and it broke my heart. I pray every one of them come home safe.

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I have been having a few health problems of my own again lately. I went for my annual at the OBGYN and she thinks she feels a cyst. I  had an ultrasound a week later and sure enough I have cysts on my right ovary and shaggy lining. I knew the cyst was there as I had been feeling pain on the right side since September. She put me back on birth control which I had been off for about 7 months to see if my negative hormone levels would come back up. I really didn't want to get back on it but she said we have to get my ovaries healthy. The new pill worked the cysts are gone but now I have fluid in my fallopian tubes. This lead to another series of tests which were negative thank God. Now  my other two options of what it means is it's nothing or the ugly cancer word which I refuse to believe what is going on. I go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound to see if it was a fluke and I am hoping that it was and it would be a great Christmas present.

Last month I was invited on an Alumni Caregivers retreat from the amazing women that put on the retreat in Nashville in May. I was very excited and looking forward to a needed break after the last few months events. I left on Friday and we all meet at the Palazzo Hotel in Vegas. We reconnected with some of the wives that were on the last retreat and met some from the other two retreats. We headed to Mesquite, NV where the Eureka Casino and Hotel offered our hotel rooms free of charge. The mountain view was amazing and we had great counseling groups. I swore I wouldn't cry while telling my story as I never do to "normal" people but when I get around the wives the tears start to flow. I was the third one and the first two didn't cry. Not fair. Then it lead into everyone else crying from then on out. But we needed to let it out as we stay strong for so long and it's a safe place to let the emotions run free. I was so thankful to get closer to some of the women I knew from the last retreat.

The time change was a killer 3 hours behind my time zone so it was a little hard eating that late and waking even later. The casino was too much fun! We played blackjack until 6 am my time on Sunday morning and we were just cutting up and having fun. We also went bowling and the PGA Tour heard we were there and paid for our cocktails. Thanks guys! Sunday after our group we climbed a hill to view the mountains and got some great pictures. Then we headed to Vegas. We stayed the night at the amazing Palazzo hotel. One of the other wives and I bunked together and we were so giddy when we saw the amazing room. We headed to Margartiville for dinner and thanks to Jimmy Buffet we had a great meal and cocktails. Jimmy Buffet is a huge supporter of Wounded Warrior Project and we all appreciate his support. Then we gambled a little more and off to the Blue Man Group. I loved the show it was so amazing! We were so tired however we didn't live our last night in Vegas up. We headed for the plush beds and talked until we feel asleep.


I am thankful for the opportunity and soon I am going to be trained to be a peer mentor to help out newer wives that are going through this horrid experience. I am looking forward to being a listening ear for those that need it. I know it would have been great to have someone to turn to when I needed to talk or vent.

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