Parenting after going through infertility

By Jacqueline Bodnar

With over 6 billion people on the planet you can’t help but to think that having babies is a very easy process. But for many people that isn’t so and they need to work a little harder to get pregnant or become a parent.

For anyone that has experienced infertility they know just how extremely painful a situation is can be. Not knowing if you will ever be able to have a child of your own can leave you feeling devastated and it changes who you are and how you see things. Struggling through infertility especially changes how you view the entire realm of parenthood, once you finally get to become a parent.

Infertility Defined
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that around 6.1 million Americans experience infertility each year. Infertility is defined as a couple having unprotected intercourse for one year without conceiving.
Many would agree that the emotional pain that the situation causes is far more grueling than any procedure that a doctor can perform. For anyone that has been through infertility they know first hand what an emotional roller coaster ride it can be.  Experiencing the condition causes a great stress that changes many of your views about life.

Couple Stress
“It’s not just a single event but a series of events and disappointments and intrusive procedures that stretch out over time and bleed over into different contexts,” said Dr. Sara Rosenquist, a Licensed Practicing Psychologist in Chapel Hill, N.C. The anguish that is conjured up from infertility ends up affecting every aspect of a person’s life. Infertility stresses a relationship because of all the emotions from monthly ups and downs and feeling powerless to remedy the situation.

Life Changing
Experiencing infertility is a life altering experience, regardless of how long you experience it. Once you get the opportunity to become a parent you tend to see parenthood in a totally new way. If you have never experienced the condition it’s hard to imagine the many ways that you see parenting differently once you get pregnant or have your child.

“Our experience with infertility really showed us just how much we wanted to be parents,” says Mark Stackpole, of Manteca, Calif. He and his wife experienced infertility for five years before conceiving their first child. Today they have two children and are looking to try for a third sometime in the near future. For Stackpole, like so many who overcome infertility, it made them cherish parenting.
Even though Stackpole’s children do little annoying things that get on his nerves he has a greater respect for the role as a parent. “It wasn’t long so long ago that our house was very clean, very quiet and pretty lonely,” says Stackpole, “I like this a whole lot better.”

Loving Pregnancy
Pregnancy itself is difficult. Your body is pretty much taken over and put on hold for nine months. Many people experience a great deal of discomfort and morning sickness. For the average person they may really find it to be an inconvenience. But for someone that has experienced infertility it’s something that they immediately cherish. Just the ability to get pregnant and carry the baby is something that brings them shear joy.

Rethinking Parenthood
Most people that have experienced infertility end up with a greater respect for wanting to become a parent and parenthood itself. Many who overcome it come away with a great sense of patience and the resolve that they can overcome just about any difficulties in life. Waiting month after month to see if you have conceived tends to make you learn a great deal of patience. When you finally get to have a child you are a master at patience and can take whatever those toddlers may throw at you much easier.

Being able to overcome such difficulties helps many women through their pregnancy, especially when they suffer through a lot of morning sickness. They know that if they can make it through the problems of infertility, they make it through morning sickness.

For most people that become parents, the sound of a baby crying in the night will surely get them groaning. But it’s different for people that have gone through infertility. Those first weeks and even months are a period when they are high on life that they have their bundle of joy. A cry in the middle of the night is simply a wonderful reminder that their dream of parenthood came true.

Not taking things for granted and having a greater respect for life is another lesson that people come away with after experiencing infertility. You hear your whole life growing up that it only takes one time, because it’s just so easy to get pregnant. But when it’s not that easy for you, you learn not to take things for granted. You learn just how precious life itself is.

Unreal Expectations
“Having to go through the nightmare of infertility before having a baby can make parents especially appreciative of the miracle of a child,” says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and author of the book “What About Me? Twelve Ways to Get Your Parents’ Attention without Hitting Your Sister” (Parenting Press, 2005), “but it can also be a set up for let-down.”

She explains that when people have waited so long to have a baby they may be in for a disappointment when they finally do become parents. They may feel shocked or guilty that not every moment of parenthood is wonderful.
“Relish your new little one, but also accept that you're human,” says Dr. Kennedy-Moore. “Every new parent goes through moments of uncertainty, frustration, irritation, and exhaustion. Give yourself time grow into your new role.”