February 08, 2010
By Sarah Sandifer

Do you and your husband ever get in arguments, and it’s only after the fact that you ask yourself, “What in the world was that about?!”  Or had an “off” day but you can’t place why?  Or burst into tears after seeing a poster in the Commissary of a soldier hugging his kids? 

The reality of this life is that it can be a hard road to walk sometimes.  Yes, on that road you learn a lot about yourself, you meet friends you never would have met otherwise, you sacrifice for the greater good of the country, etc.  However, there are stressful situations that you are put through that can be difficult to deal with and those bumps in the road can add up to giant potholes in your heart.  Holes that can manifest themselves as sadness, resentment, anger, or loneliness.  These emotions are going to come out one way or another, but you can have a choice in whether it is a positive or negative way. 

One evening during a stint when my husband was actually home, we had made a commitment to a family to watch one of their kids.  At the last minute, we learned about a gathering of friends that would have been fun to attend.  My husband really wanted to go to this second gathering, reasoning that “It doesn’t take two people to baby-sit.”  These were people he cared about and he wanted to go spend some much-needed time with friends.  I knew that what he said was true, but it just didn’t sit right with me.  He sensed that but couldn’t figure out why, so a strong discussion ensued.  It escalated until I finally cried out: “Fine!  Just leave!  I’ll be fine- I live on my own all the time anyway.  I’m used to you leaving me, so just go ahead and leave me again!” 

Lane could have gotten frustrated with the completely not nice way I just spoke to him, but he chose another reaction instead.  He had compassion on me, realizing that my outburst was much deeper than just the issue at hand, and walked up to me and hugged me.      

Does that ever happen to you?  Where the issue isn’t really the issue?  My heart had been so disappointed and scarred from the constantly growing list of goodbyes shared between us, that all of a sudden one Friday night activity exploded into this much bigger issue than I realized was there.  Anytime sad emotions would try to come up warning me of their existence, I would ignore them and push them back down because they’re not fun to deal with. 

The easier way is to just repress and move on.   

The easier way involves ignoring the warning sirens going off in your heart or in relationships around you.  These sirens could be snapping at kids, overeating to fill a deep void, finding other male friendships to replace your husband’s, or getting annoyed at every little thing your husband does.  Each of those sirens is a clue that something is not functioning the way it was intended.  My outburst of screaming at my husband was a clue that something was not okay within me.  So, if you find any siren-blaring tendencies in how you interact with your kids, your husband, your friends, or even if it’s just a thought that you have but don’t share, be aware of them.  They are signals to be heeded. 

It is possible though to take the journey through the military life without a broken heart, unbalanced emotions, or constant miscommunications with your spouse.  It is possible to forge a meaningful relationship with your husband that can withstand the pressures of the military and be a model to others.

There is a choice in how you manage those places in your heart that might be warning sirens.  Lane and I value communication, knowing that if we aren’t transparent and vulnerable with each other, the pressures of the military life could easily cause a giant crack in between us.  So we talk.  About details in our days and hopes for the next year.  About hurts, fears, and concerns.  And when outbursts like mine happen, there is a shared willingness to sit down and process an experience, finding ways to heal wounds in order to become stronger together.  It involves vulnerability and a willingness to go there with another person.  Those can be difficult conversations, but it’s worth it.  It is only through finally recognizing all of the shattered little pieces of your heart that you will be able to put them back together and be able to give of your whole self to the people that you care about.  And rather than walking this road alone, you will have your husband walking alongside you.