March 29, 2010
I recently read that balance can be defined as an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. Hmmm.  

My husband has worked 100+ hour weeks; there's not much sense of balance in those chaotic weeks. We would cross paths sometimes when I would be getting up for work and he would be crawling into bed to crash for a few hours.  

Then come the deployments. Those months on end where your soul is numb and your brain is in a fog. Those phone calls that you receive saying "Last night was crazy... I just need to tell you that I love you." Those months where the days are long but you can only hope that the weeks will be short. That doesn't feel very balanced to me.  

There have been many nights where I was knocked to my knees. There have been times where it feels impossible to stay upright or steady; the military life can be a lopsided monster. Time spent with your husband and time spent alone are not equal by any means, causing reality to feel off-kilter and out of balance.

And it is a balancing act. One foot is firmly planted in the Middle East while the other is stationed in Texas. You hover over Iraq, being forever united to those sands in the desert, but also live in Fort Carson, Colorado, needing to focus on the 9-5 job that you're a part of. And when they are home, it can be challenging to balance the sometimes-home-mostly-away routine. What do you do when your marriage spans such a huge distance and such a difference in lives?

That is a lot for your heart to handle. Many times the way I would deal with deployments... was by not dealing with them. If Lane was overseas, many times I wouldn't quite allow myself to deal with the truth that he was walking through streets in the middle of a war zone. If I would allow myself to go there, then I would inevitably break down and cry which is just not a fun thing. It's not fun to reconcile yourself to the fact that your husband is gone... and you're alone... because there's a war going on... and he's carrying a gun for protection.

There would be seasons of deployments where I would literally live at the gym. I would spend hours working out because if I was focused on the massive pain in my legs from the stair-stepper machine I wouldn't be able to focus on the pain in my broken heart.

That however, does not look like balance. I was fortunate enough to be involved in a community of people that would challenge me on how I was dealing with deployments. We would get together and they would ask me questions... "Sarah, how has this week been for you?" "It's fine, I've kept myself pretty busy so it's gone by quickly." "Okay, but how are you doing?  How is this deployment feeling compared to your last?  Have you talked to Lane?  How are you dealing with him being overseas?"

My friends wouldn't allow me to keep it comfortable. They forced me to go there. To not keep things at surface level so that I would process how I was really dealing with life. Which I did not love at all. Sometimes their questions annoyed me, honestly. But I am forever grateful to them for pushing me. Because if the choice was up to me I would go to the gym, to work, to a meeting, back to the gym, then out to dinner, then home to bed.

It's not fun dealing with deployments. They hurt, and I cry. When you are faced with them, do what you need to get through them. But make sure that you're not using busyness to hide the pain. Find people with whom you will be able to honestly share your heart and spend quality time. Having conversations that force you to go there, to places that don't seem comfortable or fun to talk about, will help produce a steadiness and balance at least inside of your heart when life doesn't necessarily allow it to exist on the surface.        

This unbalanced, divided lifestyle requires a lot from you. But it also produces a strength within you that can only be forged by going through the fire. A compassion, a tenderness, and a resilience will come to you by handling situations in the military life. It's okay to be knocked over, but by finding your balance and getting back up you may be able to not only prove to yourself that you can do it but to show others that they have the same strength in them as well.